My buddy Tim has a link on his blog for a really clever daily cartoon called "Basic Instructions." Each day you learn from topics such as "How to Be Kind to the Least Among You," "How to Refer to Someone's Not-Spouse," or "How to Recover From a Bad Shave." In all honesty, if you were to take this advice seriously you would quickly find that you have let your appearance go and all but alienated your friends and family.
There's lots of advice and how-to found on the internet. Much of it is very helpful. Just last week I mentioned to Tricia that I wanted a haircut but didn't want an ultra-short cut with the clippers. Not knowing how to give a scissor-cut, I half-jokingly suggested she find a video on You Tube. The next day she told me she found one titled "How to Give Your Man a Haircut." Sure, people go to school to both learn and hone this craft. But after a brief 4-minute video she felt good-to-go. She wrapped an old sheet around my shoulders and began to snip away.
A few days later we were preparing to replace the linoleum floor in the laundry room. After tearing back a few strips and seeing all that glue and paper still stuck to the subfloor we realized we had no idea what we were doing. Again, within minutes we had found and watched a video on the computer that showed us what to do. Seriously, how did mankind ever manage to survive the years before the internet?
I use the internet to find out lots of other things as well. I follow the news, baseball scores, blogs, and trail journals. I learn to play new songs on guitar and find recipes and tips for dehydrating food. I research things I've heard about in conversation, books, or movies. Most recently I researched Community Supported Agriculture - a partnership between consumer and farmer for a given growing season. After learning more about the advantages of knowing the very farm from which our food comes I again used the internet to find a nearby farm that offers Community Supported Agriculture. Within minutes I found Pinckney's Produce in Vance, South Carolina.
Is there anything you can't find on the internet? I think back to the olden days of encyclopedias and have to laugh at the simplicity of our curiosity and the vast limitations of our ability to quench it. How would we ever have been able to answer such crucial questions as "How do you diffuse a bomb," "How do you howl like a wolf," or "How do you steal your neighbor's wi-fi?"
With so much information at our fingertips, it's hard to understand how we can be portrayed as knowing so much less than the many generations who have come before us. How could that even be true?
I bet I know how I could find out!
Showing posts with label Mocking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mocking. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
To Hell in a Handbasket
Like most teachers I know I've been spending a portion of these summer days preparing for next fall. I read professional books, look back over some of my notes from this past year, and dream about changes for this next group coming in. I hope to be a better teacher. And well I should, given the state of education today. Just today I read...
If you read the newspaper, you know the American education system has gone past the point where it is simply failing to educate our young, and is now actively reducing their intelligence. Hardly a day goes by when you don't see an article like this:
WASHINGTON -- The National Association of People Who Worry About These Things (NAPWWATT) today reported that this year's graduating high-school seniors are even dumber than last year's, many of whom are still stumbling around the back of the auditorium trying to get their commencement gowns off. NAPWWATT reported that 66 percent of this year's seniors failed a nationwide scholastic test consisting of the question, "What does a duck say?"
This is pretty pathetic. When I was in high school, we were expected to know what a duck says. Oh, sure, I've forgotten a lot of this stuff, but at least I used to know it, which gives me the right to express smug contempt thinly disguised as grave concern for the young people of today.
This is Dave Barry sarcastically poking fun at our education system. The fact that this piece, Why Johnny is Dum, is making light of the fact that the media feels as though American students are getting less and less intelligent each year isn't such a surprise. What gets me is that this was written twenty-six years ago. If our kids were on the downward slide in 1985 imagine how dim-witted they must be by now.
I, of course, would have to disagree - at least with regards to the kids I've known over the past ten or fifteen years. Each spring I see what my students are capable of doing and know full-well that they are much more complex thinkers than I ever was in grade school. Though that's not really saying much. I was in grade school back in 1985.
But like all of us, teachers included, Dave Barry truly wants to see our kids become better learners and achieve more. Although, his motives for this may be a bit misplaced:
Like any responsible parent, I want my son to get the best possible education, because I am sick to death of having to read his Masters of the Universe comic books to him. All the male characters wear loincloths, all the females have breasts like grain silos, and all the dialogue sounds like this (from The Stench of Evil):
SKELETOR: Stinkor, with your powerful SMELL, I would like you to spread your FOUL ODOR where the air is clean, and bring MISERY to a place that is full of happiness!
STINKOR: YES! YES! I revel in all that is FOUL!
Our goal as a nation must be to develop, by next fall, an educational system that will teach my son how to read this drivel for himself, ideally on his first day.
A lofty goal, to be sure. Maybe I oughta get back to work.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Survey Says...
There are few phone calls more annoying than a survey. They always promise to be brief but in reality never are. Half this time is spent having the response choices explained, "Rate the following from 1-5 with one being your lowest approval and 5 being your highest approval" or "Would you say you're more likely or less likely to..." Running the risk of not having my voice heard I often just throw out a quick "No thanks" and hang up. I only wish my fellow South Carolinians would have done the same this past week.
According to a survey of 741 South Carolina residents, as conducted by Public Policy Polling, we are a state struggling to move out of the past and into the present. Of course, the rest of the nation already knew this. Here's what the poll revealed:
* 16% of those polled said that interracial marriage should be illegal. Another 14% were not sure. While some states move closer and closer to same-sex marriages three out of every ten of our statesmen aren't even prepared to allow a mix of races. Call me crazy but the fact that our only defense is to point out that both Georgia and Mississippi have even higher percentages isn't really all that comforting.
* 46% of those surveyed were "glad the North won the Civil War." Is it just me or shouldn't that six have had a nine in front of it? 24% wished the South had won while another 29% haven't had enough time yet (150 years) to decide. Only 60% of state Democrats and independents, where you will find many of our state's African-American population, were in favor of a Union victory. Who are those other 40%?
I could easily make a combination of jokes and snide remarks but, sadly, these numbers speak for themselves.
Monday, June 6, 2011
The Bucket List
This afternoon, while eating lunch, I did something I rarely do - read the Parade magazine that comes in the Sunday paper. There's rarely anything in there that I'm all that interested in. Today, however, there was a photo of Jimmy Fallon, dressed like Elvis, driving a motorcycle with a large bear seated behind him. I was kind of curious.
After flipping through the pages to find the article I saw that it was all about his "bucket list" - the things he wants to experience or accomplish in his lifetime. I don't know if the term bucket list is a new one but I don't remember having heard it prior to a few years ago. It seemed, at the time, as though this phrase was being used everywhere. As is generally the case, because creating a bucket list became so popular I decided to avoid it at all costs. This is really a juvenile way to act but I doubt at this point there's much chance that I'll change.
So for whatever reason I sat there and read, while picking at leftover chili and some fruit, Jimmy Fallon's list of hopes and dreams. Well, I read a few (It'd be fun to do Wii bowling with the Queen of England), became bored, and let my eyes wander to other things. At the side of the page I saw that the author of the article had created a list of items he thought everyone should have on their bucket list. I was surprised to see that the first few I noticed were ones I had already completed. Feeling like a success I decided to read on. It actually wound up being pretty interesting. Here's the list (with a few reactions mixed in for good measure)...
1. Eat real barbecue, like at Shealy's Bar-B-Que in Batesburg-Leesville, SC, famous for its fried pulley bone-the part of the chicken around the wishbone. Or go to one of America's BBQ meccas, like Memphis, Austin, or Kansas City, and dine your way from joint to joint.
We've had BBQ in Memphis. I don't recall it being that memorable though. Perhaps we just didn't hit the right places. We spent most our time on Beale Street where the blues pours out from nearly every door. Strangely enough, Memphis is where I learned how much I love tamales. Go figure.
2. Watch a lawnmower race. Find one by consulting the website of the United States Lawn Mower Racing Association (letsmow.com), the country's oldest and largest sanctioning body for lawn mower racing. Its motto: "We turn a weekend chore into a competitive sport."
Sadly, this really sounds like something I might enjoy. It reminds me a bit of the movie "The Straight Story" about an old man who rides his lawn mower across the country to make peace with his estranged brother. I thought this sounded like a really sweet idea for a movie but never saw it because Tricia feared it would be too depressing.
3. Visit a farm. Meeting the men and women who grow your food can be fascinating and fun. To locate a nearby farm, visit localharvest.org.
Coincidentally Tricia mentioned that she saw something in the paper last weekend about visiting local farms and thought we should to do this.
4. Participate in a tradition that's so odd, it has to be American, like the Mermaid Parade, held in New York City's Coney Island (June 18), or the sidewalk egg-frying competition in Oatman, Arizona (July 4).
Does the Polar Bear Plunge count? I've thought about doing that one. They have it each January here in Lake Carolina. Being that it's usually in the mid to upper 40's when everyone takes the leap I wonder how much street cred this actually gives you.
5. Stand at the base of a really tall tree, like one of Northern California's redwoods or giant sequoias. Gaze up at its branches. Be amazed.
Of all the items on the list this is the one I'd most like to do.
6. Own a pair of cowboy boots.
Of all the items on the list this is the one I'd least like to do.
7. Attend a religious service of a faith different from your own.
When I was much younger I attended Sunday church service with a neighborhood friend. I won't mention the faith but they didn't own a TV and never wore shorts no matter how hot it was outside. Their church had a full band on stage, or I guess they probably called it the pulpit, and the drummer was doing all he could do to snap his sticks on the drumheads. The men in the congregation slipped off their shoes and started wandering around the sanctuary mumbling until a number of them fell to the floor and started to convulse. The women dropped to their knees and placed their heads on the seats of the pews - alongside the children. Thinking they were taking cover I did the same. After what felt like an eternity we finally went home. Needless to say I never went back.
8. Invite someone new to Thanksgiving. Your guest could be a neighbor, a coworker, a foreign visitor - anyone who's not having a celebration of his own.
A couple of years ago we invited the Spanish teacher from my school to Thanksgiving dinner. He was from Columbia, had no family here, and had never celebrated Thanksgiving. At the time we also had an exchange student from Saudi Arabia. So counting Ty there were four different countries represented at our Thanksgiving table. That was pretty cool.
9. Read the constitution. Considering how much time we spend arguing about it, why not bone up on what it actually says?
This wouldn't be a bad idea given that I barely passed the Constitution test before graduating high school. Still, I think I'd rather watch paint dry. Or grass grow. Watch coal turn to diamonds. Any others?
10. Volunteer to be a poll worker on Election Day (Nov. 8 this year).
After the 2000 election where a number of eligible voters were reported to have been turned away (in an election that was excruciatingly close) I decided to become an election judge. There was a new job at the polls created to help anyone turned away. Feeling this was an opportunity to help the system work the way it should I volunteered for this post. For thirteen hours I sat at my own little table off to the side and took care of those who had stood in long lines only to be turned away. A good title for this job would have been "Guy who gets yelled at." It seems standing in a twenty minute line to be told you aren't allowed to vote really fires most people up. Some of them were simply in the wrong place. Others had moved and failed to update their information or register in a new precinct. My favorites, though, were the ones who hadn't voted for years (or decades) and thought all they had to do was show up on election day. A common excuse was "I though I was automatically registered to vote when I got my drivers' license!" While that would have made all the sense in the world it was definitely not the case. It's amazing how completely numb you can become to people griping and yelling at you.
11. Enjoy a minor league baseball game. For teams and schedules, go to minorleaguebaseball.com.
We go to one or two college games each year. I think this is even better.
12. March in a parade. You don't have to pull a Ferris Bueller and commandeer a float - tagging along will do - but big smiles and waves are a must.
I hate parades. As Daniel Tosh jokes "All anyone ever does at a parade is rubberneck down the road wondering when this stupid thing is going to end so they can go home and wash the 'lame' off them. You want to make parades more interesting? I say they do one more lap but at ten times the speed. The midgets start flying off the floats because their stubby fingers can't hold on to the railings. Their tiny bodies whip out into the crowd and a little boy catches one and asks if he can keep it. 'I don't know why not,' his mom says. 'They're not real.' What? They're not. They can't even vote. Well, okay...they CAN vote but have no idea who they voted for. And that is the story of how George Bush became president!" Wow, that was a long joke just to get to George Bush!
13. Take a kid to Disney World.
We took four the summer before last. I fear Disney may have paid to have this one placed on the list. Would you be surprised to find out that was true?
14. Learn the second verse of our national anthem. One little-known fact about "The Star Spangled Banner": It's melody was based on "To Anacreon in Heaven," a popular British tune dedicated to a wine-loving Greek poet.
I don't know this verse but I do know the verses to Take Me Out to the Ballgame. Were you aware that song even had verses? (Katie Casey was baseball mad...Had the fever and had it bad...)
15. Ride the Ferris wheel at a country fair.
By country fair I assume they mean really rural. I've done the state fair and while I haven't been on the Ferris Wheel I did make myself sick trying to eat something called an elephant ear.
16. Seek out the best Fourth of July fireworks within 50 miles of your home.
We used to watch the fireworks in St. Louis and they were among the biggest and best in the country. They were set against the backdrop of the Arch.
17. Get a passport - there's a whole world out there to explore.
I have a passport but there's a glitch in the digital photo that makes it look as though I have a piece of spinach or something in my teeth. For fear of showing this to anyone I will not be leaving the country until it expires in another five years.
18. Send a letter to your US senator or representative. Maybe even be nice.
I haven't sent a letter but I have sent a number of e-mails. The fact that an assistant sends back a form reply or a quick "The senator is very concerned about this issue and thanks you for your input" I don't know that it did all that much. But it's still good to keep trying.
19. Mail a care package to a service member. Learn what to send and where to send it at anysoldier.com, an organization that helps Americans boost the spirits of military personnel.
This one is a really good idea so I won't make any snide remarks. We were lucky enough this past spring to receive regular letters to our classroom from a soldier stationed in Afghanistan. He was there providing medical care for both soldiers and Afghanees. His letters were beautiful and full of so much interesting information about the people and places he encountered.
20. Make your own Halloween costume.
A few years ago I helped Harper make a Lego costume out of a cardboard box, some cottage cheese containers, hot glue, and spray paint. It was by far the best costume any of the kids have ever had because it was simple, clever, and homemade. I've tried each year to convince them to make another but they'd rather be a Power Ranger or something along those commercial lines. Too bad.
21. Tailgate at a football game.
Uh, no.
22. Go on a road trip. Choose a classic route - the Pacific Coast Highway, the Great River Road, the Blue Ridge Parkway, the Great Lakes Circle tour, Maui's Hana Highway - and pack the car.
I've been on great road trips with friends and have driven along the Great River Road and Route 66. However, I've never taken any of these roads as part of a road trip. Sadly, like most Americans I stick to the interstates that get me there the quickest. Tricia and I drove the Road to Hana and it took us a few hours to navigate more than 45 one-lane bridges as we looked down at the ocean below. It was only fun after it was all over because we could say we did it.
23. Explore America's ancient ruins. The US may be a mere 235 years old, but humans have lived here for millennia. One treasure left behind: the cliff dwellings at Mesa Verde in Colorado, carved out by the Ancestral Puebloans between 600 and 1300. For one of the densest concentrations of Ancestral Puebloan ruins, head to Chaco Canyon, NM.
Since I've never been further west than Kansas City I imagine there's a whole lot left to see.
24. Sleep beneath the stars in one of more than 50 national parks. See a list at nps.gov/findapark.
This one would seem as though it'd be a given but I'm not sure I've slept in a national park. Plenty of state parks and national forests though.
25. Dip a toe (at least) into the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans.
Done it. The Pacific was far better.
26. Write a gratitude letter to a teacher who's made a different in your life. Tell her (or him) of their impact on your life.
A great idea. I had already planned to do something similar to this over the summer.
27. Bake a real apple pie - from scratch. Get a great recipe at dashrecipes.com/applepie.
Maybe blueberry or cherry, but not apple.
28. Catch a concert by an American legend - James Taylor, Dolly Parton, and Jimmy Buffet are all playing dates this summer. Or get tickets for a future legend - Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga - or for any act where you're enough of a fan to sing along to the music.
How did "Amercian legend" and Jimmy Buffet wind up in the same sentence? In what world is Taylor Swift or Lady Gaga a "future legend"? What constitutes being a legend? I did see Ringo Starr and his troup of All-Stars but I guess he's not American so it doesn't count.
29. Appreciate fall's foliage. It doesn't matter where you live - when the leaves explode into color, take a walk outside.
Tricia and I backpacked through the Virginia mountains last fall and enjoyed seeing the changing colors. This is one worth repeating every year.
30. Admire the pyramids of Las Vegas, and ppull at least one slot machine arm - you might get lucky!
With limited time and finances I can't see how Las Vegas would ever make my list of places to go. In fact, I think I'd rather stay home.
31. See a bald eagle soar. This is easier than it sounds - after being brought back from the brink of extinction, our national bird can be found in every state except Hawaii. The biggest convocation is in Alaska, where the best viewing time is October through mid-December.
I was told I was watching a bald eagle soar overhead as we parked alongside the Great River Road near Grafton, Illinois. In all honesty, though, it could have been just about anything for all I knew. Maybe binoculars are a must have when birdwatching.
32. Plan a vacation - and use it to cross an item off your list. Twenty-eight percent of Americans surveyed in a recent poll took no vacation time the previous year; 65 percent took less than two weeks. Research shows that days off can eases stress and increase creativity.
I love that this list ended at #32. This never happens. Everything in magazines seem to come in 5s or 10s. Kudos to the crew at Parade magazine for bucking the system, or else just running out of ideas.
So I think perhaps I can give in and create a few "must dos" of my own. However, in true Bucket List fashion I'll plan to put this off for now in hopes of getting around to it another day. Maybe tomorrow.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
The Morning After
Well, Harold Camping was wrong. Come to find out the world did not end last night at 6:00 pm. I suppose this means the estimated 200 million people (about 3% of the world's population) that his followers claimed would be raptured to heaven yesterday are probably waking up a bit disappointed this morning. To think this very moment they could have been traipsing along cloud tops with their great-great grandparents but are left, instead, to mow the lawn.
I joke but some people took this whole business very seriously. Faced with the awful task of a long distant move, some believers lightened their load by selling all their worldly possessions. Others, not wishing to get screwed by heaven's unfavorable currency exchange, decided instead to drain their savings accounts.
I prepared by not preparing. This was all a build-up to a party I knew I wasn't invited to anyway. Like the other 97% of the world's population I was just waiting for the righteous to leave so I could take to the streets afterward and raise a little hell. Literally.
But, alas, Harold Camping was wrong and now he is nowhere to be found. I can't wait to hear his excuse. Even more, I can't wait to hear the follow-up stories on those fools who sold their houses, left their families, or made pilgrimages to California to be near the wise soul who owns the multi-million-dollar Christian media empire.That empire, by the way, is sandwiched between an auto shop and a palm reader's store front.
I act as though I believe there will be some amount of vindication to be found in hearing their reactions. But of course there won't. Too many of them are blind followers who will be quick to rationalize this all as a test of their faith. I don't fault them their faith in a greater being. I do, however, fault them in allowing this greater being to be Harold Camping.
I joke but some people took this whole business very seriously. Faced with the awful task of a long distant move, some believers lightened their load by selling all their worldly possessions. Others, not wishing to get screwed by heaven's unfavorable currency exchange, decided instead to drain their savings accounts.
I prepared by not preparing. This was all a build-up to a party I knew I wasn't invited to anyway. Like the other 97% of the world's population I was just waiting for the righteous to leave so I could take to the streets afterward and raise a little hell. Literally.
But, alas, Harold Camping was wrong and now he is nowhere to be found. I can't wait to hear his excuse. Even more, I can't wait to hear the follow-up stories on those fools who sold their houses, left their families, or made pilgrimages to California to be near the wise soul who owns the multi-million-dollar Christian media empire.That empire, by the way, is sandwiched between an auto shop and a palm reader's store front.
I act as though I believe there will be some amount of vindication to be found in hearing their reactions. But of course there won't. Too many of them are blind followers who will be quick to rationalize this all as a test of their faith. I don't fault them their faith in a greater being. I do, however, fault them in allowing this greater being to be Harold Camping.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
All the Latest News
I really enjoy the newspaper. As long as I can remember Tricia and I have had a subscription. Before we had kids we'd spend every Saturday and Sunday morning in bed reading the St. Louis Post Dispatch. Being the only paper in a relatively large city, the Post Dispatch was a beefy paper. The front page was regularly fourteen to sixteen pages long and there were a wide variety of sections from which to choose.
We now live in a smaller city and have found it somewhat difficult to adjust to a smaller paper. The State has three daily sections: Front page, Metro, and Sports. And that's on a good day. Monday's paper often combines Sports and Metro so that there are only two sections. Two very thin sections.
World news is largely omitted - seemingly to make as much space as possible for football articles. Though the college football season is only five months long it dominates the paper year-round. Today when I opened up the paper I wasn't surprised to see that there was a large picture of a Gamecock football on the front page that took up half of the top fold. My class and I studied this once and found that more days than not the top fold is dominated by college football headlines.
Yet I still love reading the paper. Each morning I eat a bowl of Mini-Wheats, drink a tall glass of orange juice, and browse the headlines for something of interest. Today there were a number of things that I thought were, for better or worse, interesting...
Crystal "Shy" Roberts climbed the roughly 10-foot pole at the Penthouse Club, gripping it's metallic surface with her thighs as it swayed a foot in both directions.
Early on a Friday night in April, Roberts played to mostly small groups of men seated in low-slung chairs around small cocktail tables at the Horry County club. Many of the men wore polo shirts and baseball caps and smoked cigars as dancers moved from lap to lap through the room.
This was from an article titled "Golfers Flock to Strip Clubs." I thought at first I was reading a Carl Hiaasen novel. I'm sure, though, Carl Hiassen would be greatly insulted to be credited with such artistic phrases as "gripping it's metallic surface with her thighs."
Though it starts quite steamy the article turns away from stripper poles and lap dances, talking instead about revenue, tourism, zoning, and the migration of North Carolina strippers. Much like a visit to a strip club, I can only imagine, I finished the article feeling dirty and unfulfilled.
*****
Page two of the front page was surprisingly about the recent Royal Wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton. I was careful to skip right past this one. I'm on a quest to be the one and only American with access to television who knows absolutely nothing about this wedding. It's a challenge, to be sure, but worth the effort.
*****
I found that modesty is not something our governor is afflicted with. When grading herself after her first 100 days, Nikki Haley responded "Effort, absolutely A+++. I sleep and breathe this every day. I want everything done yesterday. For accomplishments, I'd honestly give myself and A. We are so excited for what we've done in 100 days. We really, really are."
*****
The classifieds, as always, were a bit strange. There was an ad that read:
Dental Internship
for enthusiastic fast learner considering becoming a dentist. College degree required.
Don't you HAVE to have a degree to be a dentist? Wouldn't an internship be part of that previous degree? Wouldn't the earned degree demonstrate that you have already moved past "considering becoming a dentist"? Is the degree in something all together different - like English or Art History? Can these people learn to become dentists with no more than an internship? Maybe we should all look a little more carefully at those framed degrees in the dentist office.
There were a lot of dogs for sale. Some came with papers that demanded a $500 price tag, or more. Others were mutts. I felt bad for the ones named Pinky, Prissy (who they think is a Border Collie) and Tinkerbelle (who not so surprisingly is a Chihuahua who "likes to sit on your lap all day"). Who'd want a dog with stupid names like those? There was another dog named Zeus. Be honest, which would you rather have your neighbors hearing you call from the back door, Prissy or Zeus?
Others didn't have names but were identified as being pure-bloods from breeds that I can only assume they made up. What exactly is a Golden Doodle or a Maltipoo?
Some guy had the nerve, in the $100 and Under section, to advertise...
Firewood free, you cut XXX-3499 from tree that fell in storm
Talk about nerve. This guy had a tree toppled by a storm and rather than clean it up, or even pay someone to come out and do it for him, he's advertising it as though he's doing everyone else a favor. If this works just imagine the possibilities. Both Tom Sawyer and Mark Twain would be proud.
*****
A bunch of women are getting married. I presume there's a groom but he's not in any of the pictures. Instead, there are a number of women in wedding dresses leaning against trees, standing in formal living rooms, or enjoying a day at the fountain. I can't help but wonder if other people look at these same pictures and sort them into two groups:" really pretty" and "good for you."
*****
You probably won't be surprised to know that more people died yesterday. Quite a few of them really. Some were young but most were old. Sometimes they try to trick you by running a photo of an old person from when they were younger. I'm not sure why they do this but it seems kind of depressing, even for the Obituary page. What really bothers me though is when they don't tell you how they died. When I die I want them to skip all the formulaic "was born...," "received a BS in Education from...," and "survived by..." nonsense and get right down to business. No details will be too sensitive. And if I have the gall to die peacefully in my sleep I hope someone takes the artistic license to spice it up a bit. Make it worth the readers' time.
I wish there was more but as I said earlier it's a thin paper and I don't care all that much about football.
We now live in a smaller city and have found it somewhat difficult to adjust to a smaller paper. The State has three daily sections: Front page, Metro, and Sports. And that's on a good day. Monday's paper often combines Sports and Metro so that there are only two sections. Two very thin sections.
World news is largely omitted - seemingly to make as much space as possible for football articles. Though the college football season is only five months long it dominates the paper year-round. Today when I opened up the paper I wasn't surprised to see that there was a large picture of a Gamecock football on the front page that took up half of the top fold. My class and I studied this once and found that more days than not the top fold is dominated by college football headlines.
Yet I still love reading the paper. Each morning I eat a bowl of Mini-Wheats, drink a tall glass of orange juice, and browse the headlines for something of interest. Today there were a number of things that I thought were, for better or worse, interesting...
Crystal "Shy" Roberts climbed the roughly 10-foot pole at the Penthouse Club, gripping it's metallic surface with her thighs as it swayed a foot in both directions.
Early on a Friday night in April, Roberts played to mostly small groups of men seated in low-slung chairs around small cocktail tables at the Horry County club. Many of the men wore polo shirts and baseball caps and smoked cigars as dancers moved from lap to lap through the room.
This was from an article titled "Golfers Flock to Strip Clubs." I thought at first I was reading a Carl Hiaasen novel. I'm sure, though, Carl Hiassen would be greatly insulted to be credited with such artistic phrases as "gripping it's metallic surface with her thighs."
Though it starts quite steamy the article turns away from stripper poles and lap dances, talking instead about revenue, tourism, zoning, and the migration of North Carolina strippers. Much like a visit to a strip club, I can only imagine, I finished the article feeling dirty and unfulfilled.
*****
Page two of the front page was surprisingly about the recent Royal Wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton. I was careful to skip right past this one. I'm on a quest to be the one and only American with access to television who knows absolutely nothing about this wedding. It's a challenge, to be sure, but worth the effort.
*****
I found that modesty is not something our governor is afflicted with. When grading herself after her first 100 days, Nikki Haley responded "Effort, absolutely A+++. I sleep and breathe this every day. I want everything done yesterday. For accomplishments, I'd honestly give myself and A. We are so excited for what we've done in 100 days. We really, really are."
*****
The classifieds, as always, were a bit strange. There was an ad that read:
Dental Internship
for enthusiastic fast learner considering becoming a dentist. College degree required.
Don't you HAVE to have a degree to be a dentist? Wouldn't an internship be part of that previous degree? Wouldn't the earned degree demonstrate that you have already moved past "considering becoming a dentist"? Is the degree in something all together different - like English or Art History? Can these people learn to become dentists with no more than an internship? Maybe we should all look a little more carefully at those framed degrees in the dentist office.
There were a lot of dogs for sale. Some came with papers that demanded a $500 price tag, or more. Others were mutts. I felt bad for the ones named Pinky, Prissy (who they think is a Border Collie) and Tinkerbelle (who not so surprisingly is a Chihuahua who "likes to sit on your lap all day"). Who'd want a dog with stupid names like those? There was another dog named Zeus. Be honest, which would you rather have your neighbors hearing you call from the back door, Prissy or Zeus?
Others didn't have names but were identified as being pure-bloods from breeds that I can only assume they made up. What exactly is a Golden Doodle or a Maltipoo?
Some guy had the nerve, in the $100 and Under section, to advertise...
Firewood free, you cut XXX-3499 from tree that fell in storm
Talk about nerve. This guy had a tree toppled by a storm and rather than clean it up, or even pay someone to come out and do it for him, he's advertising it as though he's doing everyone else a favor. If this works just imagine the possibilities. Both Tom Sawyer and Mark Twain would be proud.
*****
A bunch of women are getting married. I presume there's a groom but he's not in any of the pictures. Instead, there are a number of women in wedding dresses leaning against trees, standing in formal living rooms, or enjoying a day at the fountain. I can't help but wonder if other people look at these same pictures and sort them into two groups:" really pretty" and "good for you."
*****
You probably won't be surprised to know that more people died yesterday. Quite a few of them really. Some were young but most were old. Sometimes they try to trick you by running a photo of an old person from when they were younger. I'm not sure why they do this but it seems kind of depressing, even for the Obituary page. What really bothers me though is when they don't tell you how they died. When I die I want them to skip all the formulaic "was born...," "received a BS in Education from...," and "survived by..." nonsense and get right down to business. No details will be too sensitive. And if I have the gall to die peacefully in my sleep I hope someone takes the artistic license to spice it up a bit. Make it worth the readers' time.
I wish there was more but as I said earlier it's a thin paper and I don't care all that much about football.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
When Lyrics Go Bad
A few days ago I picked up my guitar and began strumming it just before the end of our school day.
'I'm thinking maybe we could take what we've been learning about slavery, abolitionists, and the Civil War and write another song together," I said. "A lot of the stuff we've been noticing and talking about would be good to share out. Do you have any ideas?"
This is often how it starts. Not always, but often. I notice something we've been doing that might make a decent song and we start fiddling around with it ten and fifteen minutes at a time until we have enough to really dig in and flush it out. I kept strumming.
"So what do you think?" I asked. "Who has a line to get us started?"
There's a time for hand-raising. Songwriting generally is not that time. A couple of the kids called out the first thing that came to their mind.
"Slavery is wrong!"
"It's not our color but what's under our skin!"
"Our differences don't matter!"
I nodded my head in agreement.
"Those are some powerful ideas," I said. "We just need to make them sound like a song lyric. Something we'd hear on the radio. How about the whole idea that many of the heroes we've been learning about aren't the ones you hear about on television or in the textbook? Could we do something with that?"
Madison's face lit up. "You don't have to be Superman to be a hero."
"Yeah," I said. "You don't have to be Superman. And you don't have to have a gun or sword."
"That's good," someone called out.
That was as far as we got. We threw a few more things around but they didn't stick. Later I shared this with my buddy Tim who teaches next door. Tim writes all kinds of songs with his kids that are often far more sophisticated than our simple rhythms and melodies. I told him about our one line, You don't have to be Superman to be a hero, as well as Jack's idea to include information about the abolitionists we admired and Hannah's idea to end the song with a message that we could all be heroes and stand up for what we feel is right.
"Oh man," he said. "That's it. That song will just write itself."
Except it didn't. We've worked at it a little bit to no avail. Sometimes the process is so easy. Other times not. Songwriting can be a challenge. Even for the pros.
Last weekend Tricia and I were about to go to bed when I picked up the remote and flipped through the stations. I came across Austin City Limits, a live-performance music show that's been around for 35 years (making it the longest running music show on television). ACL features all sorts of musicians, from Willie Nelson to Jack Johnson to Etta James. Some are legends, others are a flash-in-the-pan, and a few are bands you've never even heard of. I imagine it's the variety that makes the show so cool. I hardly ever watch it but I certainly appreciate that it exists.
So I waited to find out who was going to be on and was excited to see it was REM. Growing up, they were one of my favorite bands. I could name at least one or two dozen songs of theirs that I still really love. That's not true of many of the bands I liked as a teenager.
I settled in as Tricia, realizing we weren't going to bed after all, collapsed into her chair and quickly fell to sleep. A few songs in it was obvious this wasn't going to be a "greatest hits" performance. The songs were all new and, sadly, not that great. Worse of all were the lyrics. They were just silly.
I feel like an alligator
Climbing up the escalator
Climbing up the escalator
I feel strong
I feel like an aviator pilot
Thinks you wouldn't buy it
I'm feeling violent
Beat your bleeding eye in
Hey, hey, alligator, you've got a lot to learn
I have, have got a lot to learn
Uh, what? I can only hope the next song is better.
I would dare you, but I know I don't need to
You're going to do just what you want to
You're going to take the leading chair at the fairground
You're going to sing the praises of your fruit
Mine smell like honey, uh!
Mine smell like honey, uh!
Mine smell like hu- hu- hu- honey, uh!
Guess not. Suddenly I found myself doubting my entire taste in music. Could the old songs have been this bad? The power of internet soon helped me find my answer.
Orange Crush (An old favorite of mine)
Beside yourself if radio's gonna stay.
Reason: it could polish up the grey.
Put that, put that, put that up your wall
That this isn't country at all
Raving station, beside yourself
Keep me out of country in the word
Deal the porch is leading us absurd.
Push that, push that, push that to the hull
That this isn't nothing at all
Ugh. When I was younger I think I just assumed I wasn't smart enough, or at least deep enough, to understand the meanings of these songs. Now, though, I think maybe they just don't make any sense at all.
So I set out to find other examples of really bad lyrics. Many of these proved that making sense still doesn't make it good...
"Coast to coast
L.A. to Chicago"
Sade - Smooth Operator
In her defense she wasn't from the States. But still...
He could throw that speed ball by you
Make you look like a fool
Bruce Springstein - Glory Days
A fastball is a pitch in baseball. A speedball....well you'd have to ask Jim Belushi. If you could.
An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures
Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures
Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face
A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures
Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out
There are of course many, many examples of really good lyrics. Some even come from REM. However, this post is getting awfully lengthy so I'll save those for another day. In researching these lyrics I came across a story about Michael Stipe and his lyric writing. He evidently commented during a show in 1999 that people shouldn't spend their time on the internet trying to make sense of lyrics. Some songs, he said, make sense and others don't. I guess so long as they sound good in your ear that should be enough.
So that may well become my mantra as we work to finish our song. It may be pedestrian. It may be trite. But hopefully it'll sound good in our ears.
You don't need to be Superman
To make a difference in our land
You just have to know right from wrong
And trust your heart - - - stay strong
'I'm thinking maybe we could take what we've been learning about slavery, abolitionists, and the Civil War and write another song together," I said. "A lot of the stuff we've been noticing and talking about would be good to share out. Do you have any ideas?"
This is often how it starts. Not always, but often. I notice something we've been doing that might make a decent song and we start fiddling around with it ten and fifteen minutes at a time until we have enough to really dig in and flush it out. I kept strumming.
"So what do you think?" I asked. "Who has a line to get us started?"
There's a time for hand-raising. Songwriting generally is not that time. A couple of the kids called out the first thing that came to their mind.
"Slavery is wrong!"
"It's not our color but what's under our skin!"
"Our differences don't matter!"
I nodded my head in agreement.
"Those are some powerful ideas," I said. "We just need to make them sound like a song lyric. Something we'd hear on the radio. How about the whole idea that many of the heroes we've been learning about aren't the ones you hear about on television or in the textbook? Could we do something with that?"
Madison's face lit up. "You don't have to be Superman to be a hero."
"Yeah," I said. "You don't have to be Superman. And you don't have to have a gun or sword."
"That's good," someone called out.
That was as far as we got. We threw a few more things around but they didn't stick. Later I shared this with my buddy Tim who teaches next door. Tim writes all kinds of songs with his kids that are often far more sophisticated than our simple rhythms and melodies. I told him about our one line, You don't have to be Superman to be a hero, as well as Jack's idea to include information about the abolitionists we admired and Hannah's idea to end the song with a message that we could all be heroes and stand up for what we feel is right.
"Oh man," he said. "That's it. That song will just write itself."
Except it didn't. We've worked at it a little bit to no avail. Sometimes the process is so easy. Other times not. Songwriting can be a challenge. Even for the pros.
Last weekend Tricia and I were about to go to bed when I picked up the remote and flipped through the stations. I came across Austin City Limits, a live-performance music show that's been around for 35 years (making it the longest running music show on television). ACL features all sorts of musicians, from Willie Nelson to Jack Johnson to Etta James. Some are legends, others are a flash-in-the-pan, and a few are bands you've never even heard of. I imagine it's the variety that makes the show so cool. I hardly ever watch it but I certainly appreciate that it exists.
So I waited to find out who was going to be on and was excited to see it was REM. Growing up, they were one of my favorite bands. I could name at least one or two dozen songs of theirs that I still really love. That's not true of many of the bands I liked as a teenager.
I settled in as Tricia, realizing we weren't going to bed after all, collapsed into her chair and quickly fell to sleep. A few songs in it was obvious this wasn't going to be a "greatest hits" performance. The songs were all new and, sadly, not that great. Worse of all were the lyrics. They were just silly.
I feel like an alligator
Climbing up the escalator
Climbing up the escalator
I feel strong
I feel like an aviator pilot
Thinks you wouldn't buy it
I'm feeling violent
Beat your bleeding eye in
Hey, hey, alligator, you've got a lot to learn
I have, have got a lot to learn
Uh, what? I can only hope the next song is better.
I would dare you, but I know I don't need to
You're going to do just what you want to
You're going to take the leading chair at the fairground
You're going to sing the praises of your fruit
Mine smell like honey, uh!
Mine smell like honey, uh!
Mine smell like hu- hu- hu- honey, uh!
Guess not. Suddenly I found myself doubting my entire taste in music. Could the old songs have been this bad? The power of internet soon helped me find my answer.
Orange Crush (An old favorite of mine)
Follow me, don’t follow me
I’ve got my spine, I’ve got my orange crush
Collar me, don’t collar me
I’ve got my spine, I’ve got my orange crush
We are agents of the free
I’ve had my fun and now its time to
Serve your conscience overseas
(over me, not over me)
Coming in fast, over me
I’ve got my spine, I’ve got my orange crush
Collar me, don’t collar me
I’ve got my spine, I’ve got my orange crush
We are agents of the free
I’ve had my fun and now its time to
Serve your conscience overseas
(over me, not over me)
Coming in fast, over me
Radio Free Europe (Another old favorite)
Reason: it could polish up the grey.
Put that, put that, put that up your wall
That this isn't country at all
Raving station, beside yourself
Keep me out of country in the word
Deal the porch is leading us absurd.
Push that, push that, push that to the hull
That this isn't nothing at all
Ugh. When I was younger I think I just assumed I wasn't smart enough, or at least deep enough, to understand the meanings of these songs. Now, though, I think maybe they just don't make any sense at all.
So I set out to find other examples of really bad lyrics. Many of these proved that making sense still doesn't make it good...
"There's an insect
In your ear
If you scratch
It won't disappear"
In your ear
If you scratch
It won't disappear"
U2 - Staring at the Sun
I guess it was an easy rhyme?
"There were plants
And birds
And rocks
And things"
And birds
And rocks
And things"
America - Horse With No Name
This is a popular choice with many people. Things?
L.A. to Chicago"
Sade - Smooth Operator
In her defense she wasn't from the States. But still...
He could throw that speed ball by you
Make you look like a fool
Bruce Springstein - Glory Days
A fastball is a pitch in baseball. A speedball....well you'd have to ask Jim Belushi. If you could.
Someone always playing corporation games
Who cares they’re always changing corporation names
We just want to dance here someone stole the stage
They call us irresponsible write us off the page
Starship - We Built This City
Picking on Starship is almost TOO easy. Fight the power, Starship!
Muskrat Susie
Muskrat Sam
Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land
And they shimmy
And Sammy's so skinny
Captain and Tennille - Muskrat Love
This song truly makes me wonder why I was so concerned about the forced rhymes my third graders were coming up with. Compared to this we were pretty much functioning on the same plane as Don McClean.
My all time favorite, though, comes from Alanis Morissette. She wrote a song titled "Ironic." Sadly, nothing in it was at all ironic. A bummer, yes. Ironic, no.
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures
Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures
Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face
A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures
Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out
There are of course many, many examples of really good lyrics. Some even come from REM. However, this post is getting awfully lengthy so I'll save those for another day. In researching these lyrics I came across a story about Michael Stipe and his lyric writing. He evidently commented during a show in 1999 that people shouldn't spend their time on the internet trying to make sense of lyrics. Some songs, he said, make sense and others don't. I guess so long as they sound good in your ear that should be enough.
So that may well become my mantra as we work to finish our song. It may be pedestrian. It may be trite. But hopefully it'll sound good in our ears.
You don't need to be Superman
To make a difference in our land
You just have to know right from wrong
And trust your heart - - - stay strong
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The Worst Kind of Teacher
I had a bad day last Thursday. I don't mention these all that often because they tend to be minor blips on a much grander screen, not-to-mention the fact that there's something to be said for being positive. Still, I came into school really exhausted from a late night at class and a variety of responsibilities and concerns, beyond teaching, looming over my head.
The morning went well enough. My buddy Tim, who teaches next door, stopped by to talk with us about a favorite book of his that we had just finished reading and loved as well. There were visitors who enjoyed hearing the new Revolutionary War song we are writing and watching the kids discuss and reflect on their reading.
Our day is broken up into two instructional halves by a break in the middle that includes lunch, a special area (such as art or pe), and recess. When we returned from recess the next two hours included: a broken ruler, someone calling a friend "a jerk", another person completely tuning out all of a math demonstration, a group that refused to work with one another, a number of people who didn't listen to directions, and a loud outburst immediately following a small talk about our expectations for one another when working on a particular project.
These types of days are inevitable when working with humans, not to mention the nine-year-old variety. Not so surprisingly these days often occur on the very day when I've not had enough sleep, I'm beginning to feel sick, or I'm feeling a bit anxious about something outside of school. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the thirty-six year old variety is to blame as well. It happens. Fortunately, though, only about three or four days a year.
Perhaps for Natalie Munroe, though, it happened much more often. If you've not heard of her she's a high school teacher in Central Buck, Pennsylvania who, like me, keeps a blog for her friends and family to enjoy. Recently this blog has gotten her into a whole heap of trouble. It seems she took her bad day at school and made it public. Very public.
"They are disobedient, disrespectful oafs. Noisy, crazy, sloppy lazy, LOAFERS."
Ouch.
"[They] are out of control," she wrote. "They curse, discuss drugs, talk back, argue for grades, complain about everything, fancy themselves entitled to whatever they desire, and are just generally annoying."
That seems a bit inappropriate.
Listing comments she'd like to write on report cards, she wrote "I hear the trash company is hiring"; "I called out sick a couple of days just to avoid your son"; and "Just as bad as his sibling. Don't you know how to raise kids?"
Now she's gone completely overboard. Oddly enough I shared an article about her blog with my class on Thursday morning, before our problems.
"Maybe the kids are bored because of her," Jillian suggested. "You have to be interesting."
This, by the way, is very true.
"You can't talk about kids that way," argued Brandon.
"Yeah," said Patton. "That's really insulting."
"High schoolers are sometimes...well, they don't listen," suggested Atira. "She looks interesting and fun in the picture but they're all talking. She has the right to share this but not be all insulting."
"I don't know," I said. "Do you think sharing this helped to solve a problem or just make it worse?"
Why is she even a teacher if she feels like that? I'd love for someone to ask her. Sadly there are droves of people who support her. There are websites being erected praising her for "tough love" and holding the kids accountable.
As for our bad day, we had a twenty minute talk before going home to see if maybe we couldn't find a solution that would ensure a better tomorrow. A few kids talked about consequences but many others suggested helping one another by letting them know when they are starting to head down the wrong path. This made sense.
I finished the day by warning the kids that I would be blasting them on my blog. I tried to dream up some well chosen words that might spark an uproar from students, parents, and community members. They laughed knowing I'd never do such a thing. Perhaps that was the best medicine for the day. Laughter.
The morning went well enough. My buddy Tim, who teaches next door, stopped by to talk with us about a favorite book of his that we had just finished reading and loved as well. There were visitors who enjoyed hearing the new Revolutionary War song we are writing and watching the kids discuss and reflect on their reading.
Our day is broken up into two instructional halves by a break in the middle that includes lunch, a special area (such as art or pe), and recess. When we returned from recess the next two hours included: a broken ruler, someone calling a friend "a jerk", another person completely tuning out all of a math demonstration, a group that refused to work with one another, a number of people who didn't listen to directions, and a loud outburst immediately following a small talk about our expectations for one another when working on a particular project.
These types of days are inevitable when working with humans, not to mention the nine-year-old variety. Not so surprisingly these days often occur on the very day when I've not had enough sleep, I'm beginning to feel sick, or I'm feeling a bit anxious about something outside of school. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the thirty-six year old variety is to blame as well. It happens. Fortunately, though, only about three or four days a year.
Perhaps for Natalie Munroe, though, it happened much more often. If you've not heard of her she's a high school teacher in Central Buck, Pennsylvania who, like me, keeps a blog for her friends and family to enjoy. Recently this blog has gotten her into a whole heap of trouble. It seems she took her bad day at school and made it public. Very public.
"They are disobedient, disrespectful oafs. Noisy, crazy, sloppy lazy, LOAFERS."
Ouch.
"[They] are out of control," she wrote. "They curse, discuss drugs, talk back, argue for grades, complain about everything, fancy themselves entitled to whatever they desire, and are just generally annoying."
That seems a bit inappropriate.
Listing comments she'd like to write on report cards, she wrote "I hear the trash company is hiring"; "I called out sick a couple of days just to avoid your son"; and "Just as bad as his sibling. Don't you know how to raise kids?"
Now she's gone completely overboard. Oddly enough I shared an article about her blog with my class on Thursday morning, before our problems.
"Maybe the kids are bored because of her," Jillian suggested. "You have to be interesting."
This, by the way, is very true.
"You can't talk about kids that way," argued Brandon.
"Yeah," said Patton. "That's really insulting."
"High schoolers are sometimes...well, they don't listen," suggested Atira. "She looks interesting and fun in the picture but they're all talking. She has the right to share this but not be all insulting."
"Yeah," said Skyler. "She could have not said it in a bad way."
"I don't know," I said. "Do you think sharing this helped to solve a problem or just make it worse?"
Skyler later asked a great question, "Why would she even teach them and then insult them?"
"We were discussing that too," said Jenna. "Why is she even a teacher if she feels like that?"
Why is she even a teacher if she feels like that? I'd love for someone to ask her. Sadly there are droves of people who support her. There are websites being erected praising her for "tough love" and holding the kids accountable.
As for our bad day, we had a twenty minute talk before going home to see if maybe we couldn't find a solution that would ensure a better tomorrow. A few kids talked about consequences but many others suggested helping one another by letting them know when they are starting to head down the wrong path. This made sense.
I finished the day by warning the kids that I would be blasting them on my blog. I tried to dream up some well chosen words that might spark an uproar from students, parents, and community members. They laughed knowing I'd never do such a thing. Perhaps that was the best medicine for the day. Laughter.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Week In Review - Too Much to Write About!
I came back from our Christmas trip to St. Louis with more blog ideas than I possibly had time to write about. My buddy Tim gave me a small notebook on our last day of school before Winter Break that read "Fill these pages with important words and thoughts." He might be disappointed because, instead, I filled it with superficial observations and smart ass comments from our Christmas trip.
The first came just a few hours into our drive as we passed into Georgia. One of the very first billboards I saw read:
Make your ONE call to...
1-800-CALL -KEN
Ken Nugent Legal Services
Really? I know that colonial Georgia was basically a roaming prison, serving as a spot for England to send its less desirables, but I would hope that after these hundreds of years things would have changed. I've been to both Alabama and Louisiana and I know for a fact that a good deal of those "less desirables'" descendants are now living throughout the south. So why would Georgia allow Ken Nugent to welcome travelers with such a sign? Are there THAT many people getting arrested? Is there really that much money to be had from these people?
The second blog idea came on our second day with Tricia's parents. I made my first visit to church in five years. I really do not like church. As a child I went as often as three times a week - Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday evening. There was also church league bowling, softball, and volleyball. And youth group, play practices, and countless lunches and dinners. It wasn't the amount of time spent at church that turned me off, though. I just grew to question the likelihood of all those stories and the reasonableness of all those beliefs.
Tricia's parents church is quite different from the smallish Baptist church I grew up attending. It seats more than a thousand people. has two big screen TVs mounted behind the pulpit, and hosts religious and social events most, if not every, night of the week. The service lasted a little over an hour but the sermon itself was ten to fifteen minutes tops. The sermon was all about "breaking down the walls that we build around ourselves." The walls were a metaphor for our need for a sense of comfort, safety, etc. There were very few mentions of God or Jesus so it went well enough. The other fifty minutes were spent singing songs and listening to announcements. My mom asked how it went. "It went okay. Maybe I'll go back in another five or six years," I said. But probably not.
The third blog idea came when Tricia and I went out for a date night. We went to one of our favorite restaurants in St. Louis - an Indian place in the Central West End called Rasoi. Afterward we headed over to the Chase to see True Grit. As always, parking in the Central West End was nearly impossible. We finally found a spot but had only fifty cents for the meter. As Tricia will attest, I always seem to think that we don't need to feed the meter. "You don't have to pay after 5:00" I might argue. Or, "It's free on Sundays." Or worse, "No one even checks these meters!" I'm generally very much a rule follower. Like Ainsley I think people should follow the rules no matter what. I'll sit through a two minute red light at 3am with no cars anywhere in sight because that's what I'm supposed to do. I often stand on the curb and wait for what seems like forever for the walk signal even though there's no traffic. But for some reason when it comes to paying the meter I find every reason not to adhere to my legal obligations.
As we pulled into our parking spot and Tricia found that we only had two quarters she asked what I thought we should do. The movie didn't start for another hour (we were planning to walk over to the library to browse before heading down the block to the theater) and the movie was an hour and half at the very least.
"It's after six," I said. "You don't have to pay the meter after six."
"You always say that," she pointed out. "You NEVER think we have to pay the meter!"
"But I'm always right!"
Tricia sighed and looked up the street.
"Look," she said. "There's the meter reader!"
She was right. Two cars in front of us was a meter reader writing a ticket. After placing it under a windshield wiper he made his way up to the next car.
"We definitely have to get some change or find a parking garage now," she argued.
"No we don't," I said. "Look, he just checked all the cars on this block. It's 6:07 now. What are the chances he gets back to our block tonight? Euclid is a l-o-n-g street with a lot of meters. If anything we're more safe than ever."
It was dark but I can only imagine Tricia rolled her eyes. I really am hard to live with at times.
"Okay," she said. "But if we get a ticket you have to pay for it out of your own money."
"Ha, as if such a thing exists," I laughed.
We climbed out of the car and, ignoring the meter, pulled our jackets up around our ears and huddled together to head up the street. We instantly saw that the meter reader's car was parked just four spaces in front of our van. More debate ensued but we forged ahead. Once we got into the library I went to the information desk to ask how late you had to pay the meters. The librarian told me that they stop checking them at 7:00. Whether this meant you still have to pay them I wasn't sure but I headed back over to Tricia to gloat none-the-less.
"Well, go out and put our fifty cents," she told me. " At least we'll be paid until a quarter 'til or so."
I knew when to play nice and headed toward the front door. On the way I debated whether I should actually head out into the cold for what was certain to be a wasted effort (and wasted money) or if I should just hang out in the vestibule area for a few minutes and then head back in. Half an hour later, as we were heading out for the theater, Tricia, knowing me all too well, asked whether I had actually paid the meter or just pretended to. True to form I refused to say.
My fourth blog idea came a few nights later when attending "Christmas Eve" with Tricia's extended family. Due to busy schedules this party is never really on Christmas Eve but it's close enough. We haven't been able to attend this party the past few years so this was the first time we had seen these families in quite a while. Even when we lived in St. Louis we saw most of them only once a year, at this very party. They were like sometimes relatives.
I'm not much good at small talk and at no other time is this more evident than at this party. Tricia tried to coach me on the way.
"Talk to my Uncle Dennis about the food dehydrator you got from your kids at school," she suggested. "He used to have one too and talked about it all the time."
She's worse at small talk than I am and I wasn't too sure why she felt a need to offer help given that the one person at that party that I was usually pretty good at talking to was her Uncle Dennis. We generally talked about vacation plans and running. It was perhaps the only two things we really had in common but we could talk endlessly about both topics.
As we walked into the party the room fell silent and all those strange faces turned to stare at us making our entrance. Only five seconds in and it was already awkward. This would prove to the be the high water mark for the night as things only went downhill from there. I started by seeking out Dennis. I figured I should start strong and move on to the others from there. Unfortunately our conversation didn't go as planned. Someone else I didn't know too well was part of the conversation too and I didn't feel comfortable talking about running for fear of leaving him out. I wanted to talk about vacations but they were just finishing up a conversation on this topic as I made my way over. I was baffled. What to do?
"So," I said. "I got a dehydrator from my kids at school for Christmas!"
"A what?" he said.
"A dehydrator," I repeated.
"What's that?" the other guy asked.
"You mean a dehumidifier?" Dennis asked.
I stammered.
"It dries your food out," I explained. "You know, it takes all the water out."
"Why would you want to do that?" the other guy asked. It wasn't the type of question that made you feel as though he really wanted to learn more about the subject but, rather, that he wondered what in the hell was wrong with you. As if you making this all up.
"It's to help preserve the food for hiking and backpacking," I explained. "You dehydrate it, pack it up, and then rehydrate it on the trail."
"Oh," they both said, simultaneously. They both looked around uncomfortably and walked away.
I stood there for a moment playing with the food on my snack plate. Tricia and her parents were talking with someone else across the room. I was tempted to join them and take comfort in numbers. Around this time Tricia's cousin Michael walked by to freshen up the snack table. He and I have had just a handful of conversations over the past fourteen or fifteen years. We have little in common and he's not all that talkative anyway. Still, I felt I needed to try. I had to prove to myself that I was capable of this simple social skill.
"Hey Mike," I said.
Doh, I thought. He goes by Michael you idiot!
I saw that there was a book on his television titled The Elf on the Shelf. I knew of this book from school and had a funny antecdote concerning a conversation I had with my kids about it. I shared it with him and he said nothing. He didn't even offer up a chuckle. It was a good antecdote too. But still he didn't smirk.
"Yeah, well...I oughta be finding Tricia I guess," I said.
"Alright," he answered and turned away to return to the kitchen.
I was 0 for 2. My ability to make small talk didn't much improve from there. I later found myself in conversation with another teacher but we had an entire discussion where I don't think either of us really understood what the other was trying to say. Later I talked with a lady who took great interest in everything I had to say. She's known for this. In fact, she takes so much interest in what you have to say that you almost feel uncomfortable. She leans in real close, has a perpetual smile, and never breaks eye contact. Ever.
She really liked that the kids had spent time backpacking last summer.
"Now they will know how to fend for themselves and find food if they're ever lost in the woods," she commented.
She was serious. I didn't break it to her that backpacking was more about high tech cook pots and fuel canisters than berry gathering or squirrel hunting. She wanted to know about the bears, too. I may have disappointed her when letting on that we hadn't seen any bears but we had seen a lot of snails.
"Tons of them!" I assured her.
The only highlight of my ability to make small talk was when I later told of our encounter with the parking meter for Tricia's sister and brother-in-law. They laughed and laughed. I suddenly felt like a bad poker player. The one who stays in to the bitter end of every hand and only to lose nine times out of ten. Why, then, does he stay in so often? Because he remembers that ONE TIME when he pulled the perfect card and won. Tricia's sister and brother-in-law are my perfect cards. They keep me wanting to try again.
So there it is. More stories than I could ever write about.
The first came just a few hours into our drive as we passed into Georgia. One of the very first billboards I saw read:
Make your ONE call to...
1-800-CALL -KEN
Ken Nugent Legal Services
Really? I know that colonial Georgia was basically a roaming prison, serving as a spot for England to send its less desirables, but I would hope that after these hundreds of years things would have changed. I've been to both Alabama and Louisiana and I know for a fact that a good deal of those "less desirables'" descendants are now living throughout the south. So why would Georgia allow Ken Nugent to welcome travelers with such a sign? Are there THAT many people getting arrested? Is there really that much money to be had from these people?
The second blog idea came on our second day with Tricia's parents. I made my first visit to church in five years. I really do not like church. As a child I went as often as three times a week - Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday evening. There was also church league bowling, softball, and volleyball. And youth group, play practices, and countless lunches and dinners. It wasn't the amount of time spent at church that turned me off, though. I just grew to question the likelihood of all those stories and the reasonableness of all those beliefs.
Tricia's parents church is quite different from the smallish Baptist church I grew up attending. It seats more than a thousand people. has two big screen TVs mounted behind the pulpit, and hosts religious and social events most, if not every, night of the week. The service lasted a little over an hour but the sermon itself was ten to fifteen minutes tops. The sermon was all about "breaking down the walls that we build around ourselves." The walls were a metaphor for our need for a sense of comfort, safety, etc. There were very few mentions of God or Jesus so it went well enough. The other fifty minutes were spent singing songs and listening to announcements. My mom asked how it went. "It went okay. Maybe I'll go back in another five or six years," I said. But probably not.
The third blog idea came when Tricia and I went out for a date night. We went to one of our favorite restaurants in St. Louis - an Indian place in the Central West End called Rasoi. Afterward we headed over to the Chase to see True Grit. As always, parking in the Central West End was nearly impossible. We finally found a spot but had only fifty cents for the meter. As Tricia will attest, I always seem to think that we don't need to feed the meter. "You don't have to pay after 5:00" I might argue. Or, "It's free on Sundays." Or worse, "No one even checks these meters!" I'm generally very much a rule follower. Like Ainsley I think people should follow the rules no matter what. I'll sit through a two minute red light at 3am with no cars anywhere in sight because that's what I'm supposed to do. I often stand on the curb and wait for what seems like forever for the walk signal even though there's no traffic. But for some reason when it comes to paying the meter I find every reason not to adhere to my legal obligations.
As we pulled into our parking spot and Tricia found that we only had two quarters she asked what I thought we should do. The movie didn't start for another hour (we were planning to walk over to the library to browse before heading down the block to the theater) and the movie was an hour and half at the very least.
"It's after six," I said. "You don't have to pay the meter after six."
"You always say that," she pointed out. "You NEVER think we have to pay the meter!"
"But I'm always right!"
Tricia sighed and looked up the street.
"Look," she said. "There's the meter reader!"
She was right. Two cars in front of us was a meter reader writing a ticket. After placing it under a windshield wiper he made his way up to the next car.
"We definitely have to get some change or find a parking garage now," she argued.
"No we don't," I said. "Look, he just checked all the cars on this block. It's 6:07 now. What are the chances he gets back to our block tonight? Euclid is a l-o-n-g street with a lot of meters. If anything we're more safe than ever."
It was dark but I can only imagine Tricia rolled her eyes. I really am hard to live with at times.
"Okay," she said. "But if we get a ticket you have to pay for it out of your own money."
"Ha, as if such a thing exists," I laughed.
We climbed out of the car and, ignoring the meter, pulled our jackets up around our ears and huddled together to head up the street. We instantly saw that the meter reader's car was parked just four spaces in front of our van. More debate ensued but we forged ahead. Once we got into the library I went to the information desk to ask how late you had to pay the meters. The librarian told me that they stop checking them at 7:00. Whether this meant you still have to pay them I wasn't sure but I headed back over to Tricia to gloat none-the-less.
"Well, go out and put our fifty cents," she told me. " At least we'll be paid until a quarter 'til or so."
I knew when to play nice and headed toward the front door. On the way I debated whether I should actually head out into the cold for what was certain to be a wasted effort (and wasted money) or if I should just hang out in the vestibule area for a few minutes and then head back in. Half an hour later, as we were heading out for the theater, Tricia, knowing me all too well, asked whether I had actually paid the meter or just pretended to. True to form I refused to say.
My fourth blog idea came a few nights later when attending "Christmas Eve" with Tricia's extended family. Due to busy schedules this party is never really on Christmas Eve but it's close enough. We haven't been able to attend this party the past few years so this was the first time we had seen these families in quite a while. Even when we lived in St. Louis we saw most of them only once a year, at this very party. They were like sometimes relatives.
I'm not much good at small talk and at no other time is this more evident than at this party. Tricia tried to coach me on the way.
"Talk to my Uncle Dennis about the food dehydrator you got from your kids at school," she suggested. "He used to have one too and talked about it all the time."
She's worse at small talk than I am and I wasn't too sure why she felt a need to offer help given that the one person at that party that I was usually pretty good at talking to was her Uncle Dennis. We generally talked about vacation plans and running. It was perhaps the only two things we really had in common but we could talk endlessly about both topics.
As we walked into the party the room fell silent and all those strange faces turned to stare at us making our entrance. Only five seconds in and it was already awkward. This would prove to the be the high water mark for the night as things only went downhill from there. I started by seeking out Dennis. I figured I should start strong and move on to the others from there. Unfortunately our conversation didn't go as planned. Someone else I didn't know too well was part of the conversation too and I didn't feel comfortable talking about running for fear of leaving him out. I wanted to talk about vacations but they were just finishing up a conversation on this topic as I made my way over. I was baffled. What to do?
"So," I said. "I got a dehydrator from my kids at school for Christmas!"
"A what?" he said.
"A dehydrator," I repeated.
"What's that?" the other guy asked.
"You mean a dehumidifier?" Dennis asked.
I stammered.
"It dries your food out," I explained. "You know, it takes all the water out."
"Why would you want to do that?" the other guy asked. It wasn't the type of question that made you feel as though he really wanted to learn more about the subject but, rather, that he wondered what in the hell was wrong with you. As if you making this all up.
"It's to help preserve the food for hiking and backpacking," I explained. "You dehydrate it, pack it up, and then rehydrate it on the trail."
"Oh," they both said, simultaneously. They both looked around uncomfortably and walked away.
I stood there for a moment playing with the food on my snack plate. Tricia and her parents were talking with someone else across the room. I was tempted to join them and take comfort in numbers. Around this time Tricia's cousin Michael walked by to freshen up the snack table. He and I have had just a handful of conversations over the past fourteen or fifteen years. We have little in common and he's not all that talkative anyway. Still, I felt I needed to try. I had to prove to myself that I was capable of this simple social skill.
"Hey Mike," I said.
Doh, I thought. He goes by Michael you idiot!
I saw that there was a book on his television titled The Elf on the Shelf. I knew of this book from school and had a funny antecdote concerning a conversation I had with my kids about it. I shared it with him and he said nothing. He didn't even offer up a chuckle. It was a good antecdote too. But still he didn't smirk.
"Yeah, well...I oughta be finding Tricia I guess," I said.
"Alright," he answered and turned away to return to the kitchen.
I was 0 for 2. My ability to make small talk didn't much improve from there. I later found myself in conversation with another teacher but we had an entire discussion where I don't think either of us really understood what the other was trying to say. Later I talked with a lady who took great interest in everything I had to say. She's known for this. In fact, she takes so much interest in what you have to say that you almost feel uncomfortable. She leans in real close, has a perpetual smile, and never breaks eye contact. Ever.
She really liked that the kids had spent time backpacking last summer.
"Now they will know how to fend for themselves and find food if they're ever lost in the woods," she commented.
She was serious. I didn't break it to her that backpacking was more about high tech cook pots and fuel canisters than berry gathering or squirrel hunting. She wanted to know about the bears, too. I may have disappointed her when letting on that we hadn't seen any bears but we had seen a lot of snails.
"Tons of them!" I assured her.
The only highlight of my ability to make small talk was when I later told of our encounter with the parking meter for Tricia's sister and brother-in-law. They laughed and laughed. I suddenly felt like a bad poker player. The one who stays in to the bitter end of every hand and only to lose nine times out of ten. Why, then, does he stay in so often? Because he remembers that ONE TIME when he pulled the perfect card and won. Tricia's sister and brother-in-law are my perfect cards. They keep me wanting to try again.
So there it is. More stories than I could ever write about.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Roadside Museums
Entering the station, I grabbed a Snicker bar and made my way to the back to find a small bottle of milk. However, the milk was nearly impossible to find. All but one of the coolers were being used to house what equated to a small warehouse of beer. But not just any brand of beer. While there may have been a few spare six-packs of Corona or Ice House there were cases upon cases upon cases of Busch, Budweiser, and Old Milwaukee.
On my way back to the front I stopped by the magazine rack. Now some gas stations, feeling these publications are ethically or morally wrong, refuse to sell pornographic magazines. Others place them behind the counter to protect the innocence of young children. This one, however, put them all - and there were many - right next to the multiple car and truck magazines and just above the single copy of Newsweek. I want to believe that Newsweek was such a hot item that they had trouble keeping them in stock. I want to believe it, but I don't.
After making my way past the assortment of fishing hats - my favorite sporting two large Styrofoam breasts protruding from the front - I finally reached the counter. Standing in line, I noticed that just beside me, one shelf above the Little Debbie snack cakes, was a box of beer bongs. On my other side was a large washtub full of iced down cans of beer. I can't say for certain that the two were meant to be impulse buys or even to be bought in tandem but, in all honesty, what's the use of one without the other?I choose to stop just short of saying that the people of small town Tennessee are ignorant, macho alcoholics who, while in a drunken stupor, beat their wives. I choose to believe that all these tell tale signs could be wrong. In fact, they have to be wrong because just the other day I decided to take a closer to look at our own gas station. The one we always use to fill up our cars. The one with the faded sign out front that reads:
POPS
POPS
POPS
On the entry door was a handwritten sign, barely legible, that read "We WILL prosecute anyone caught stealing ANYTHING from this station!" It wasn't written as though they were hoping people wouldn't start stealing from them but rather as though people regularly did. I suddenly felt a need to keep my hands out of my pockets.
The three people in front of me in line were all buying scratch off lottery tickets and cigarettes. Nothing else. Just lottery tickets and cigarettes. For what may have been the first time in my four years as a customer of this station I turned around, against my better judgment, to look around the store and see what they sold.
And that's when it hit me.
Either my theory is all wrong or my neighbors are a bunch of lazy black-lunged convicts puffing themselves toward certain deaths but on too much of a sugar high from their Moon Pie addictions to even notice. Being that I hate being wrong I'm left with just one option. I'm now taking the longer route to everywhere. The one with the yuppie Circle K that sells designer coffees and has faux-wood floors.
I feel like a better person already.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Virginia is for Drunken Murderers
A few years ago Tricia and I spent an afternoon in Hot Springs, North Carolina. We enjoyed a light lunch, picked up some trail snacks, and headed out to hike a mile or two on the Appalachian Trail. It was our first trip on the trail and we really didn't know anything about it other than that it was pretty long. All of our previous hiking had been on a variety of tame trails in heavily visited state parks.
As we approached the trail we stopped to check the map and message board. There at the center - in very large letters - was a warning: BEWARE: BEARS HAVE BEEN REPORTED IN THIS AREA. The sign went on to suggest that anyone hiking carry "bear mace" and plan to slowly retreat from any evidence of bear activity on the trail. This startled us a bit.
"Are we going to die?" Tricia half-joked.
"I hope not," I answered.
The first stretch of trail was nicely graded. There were many switchbacks but because of all the thick foliage it was impossible to see what was awaiting us around each corner. All we could think about was bears. We were certain we were only moments away from a certain mauling. I tried to make as much noise as I could to announce our presence.
After only about twenty minutes or so we decided to stop and head back down. The trail was still climbing steadily with no indication that we were anywhere near the top. We weren't necessarily in the best climbing shape, hadn't brought any water with us, and felt the time was ripe to call it quits with all of our limbs still intact.We walked back to the car, safe and sound.
In the following weeks I developed quite a fascination for the Appalachian Trail. I read a book or two and started reading the on-line journals of hikers walking the entire 2,100 path in a single season. I quickly learned that many hikers walk on the trail for weeks, or even months, at a time and never see a single bear. Not only do they not see any bears but they actually feel disappointed by it. The ones that do encounter bears do not run or cry or even drop and play dead. Instead, they stand in awe watching them gathering berries, scratching at a tree, or rumbling through the forest. Sometimes, if they feel unsafe, hikers will bang their trekking poles together to scare the bears off or they'll slowly retreat back down the trail and wait a few minutes before returning.
So it seems our perceived danger was a bit exaggerated. Our deaths were not imminent. We were just ignorant to the reality of the wildlife and environment around us. This isn't so uncommon. It happens all the time.
So we turned back up the mountain in search of a site we had remembered seeing a half-hour earlier. When we finally found it the sun was just beginning to drop below the trees to the west. We pulled out the tent and found that the only level spot to pitch it, where we wouldn't be sleeping on large tree roots or rocks, was just a few feet off the trail. Even worse, there was another trail intersecting the AT another few feet away. But with darkness falling over the mountain and the cold temperatures setting in we knew we didn't have time to seek out a new spot. We couldn't even remember having seen any other spots for miles anyway.
So as we began to unpack our things and set everything up I heard a voice come out of nowhere.
"Hey."
Startled, I looked around but saw no one. However, I knew someone was there. Somewhere.
"Hey," I responded. Trying to mask my surprise and sound both casual and friendly. Just as I got the words out I saw movement just through the trees to my right. It was a hunter, dressed in full camo, toting a rifle over his left shoulder. Tricia looked at me, concerned.
"Are we going to be alright here?" she whispered.
I looked down the trail to see if he had passed.
"Yeah, we're fine," I assured her. "It's just a hunter making his way back down to his car."
She didn't look too convinced. It wasn't so much the hunter, I imagined, as it was the gun that made her uneasy. After hanging our food bag over a distant tree limb and getting our sleeping gear set up we climbed into the tent. I pulled out a deck of cards and we played a game of Rummy, working hard to keep our cards from constantly sliding down our sleeping pads and resting under our bags.
About fifteen minutes later we heard more footsteps approaching. This time, however, they sounded very heavy and unsteady, as though someone were in a semi-controlled fall coming down the mountain. A loud belch soon followed and the footsteps stopped. Just outside our tent. Tricia's eyes grew enormous. I looked out the small window on our rainfly and saw two more hunters standing outside the tent, about twenty feet away. I couldn't see one of them too well because he was hidden behind some bushes but the other was standing in a small clearing and staring at our tent. He began to talk to the other one in a drunken slur. The fact that he was clearly intoxicated and carrying a rifle did not make me feel too comfortable.
"Yehau thinkst thees is thu waaaay orrr du yehau thinkst weee otta go ovr thur?" he asked.
His partner gave some type of reply but I couldn't make it out.
I looked back at Tricia who was sitting very still. "It's just more hunters," I said casually.
"I don't like this," she whispered. "I've seen Deliverance."
After a few long seconds the two hunters continued on their way down the mountain, presumably on their way back to their car.
"I read an article about two girls who were raped on the trail twenty years ago," Tricia told me, as soon as the two hunters were clearly gone.
"Where did you read that," I asked.
"In one of those Trail magazines they had at the cabin last summer."
"That was twenty years ago," I said. "A lot of women hike the trail alone and are fine."
"Are you sure we're okay here?" she asked again.
"Yeah, we're fine," I answered. "They're gone. Besides, this is Virginia. Virginia is for lovers. I know because all the signs say so!"
"Hmm," she said, sounding unconvinced. "But what if they come back?"
"It's going to be completely dark really soon. Who wants to climb all the way back up a pitch black mountain in the cold of night?" I asked, seeming to believe that it would be the hunters' laziness that would be our saving grace.
We were never in danger at all. We just let our imaginations get away from us a bit. I have this really great poster at school that lists ways to build global community. One of the lines reads: Don't confuse your comfort for your safety. How often do we do this? There have been many times in my life when I've found myself in an uncomfortable environment and, wrongly, felt felt that my safety was in jeopardy. Much of this is learned. Friends, family, books, newspapers, magazines, discussion boards, television, and movies share sensationalized stories that, if even accurate, are far from indicative of the norm. People do fall and die in the shower. Others are mugged or even killed by strangers knocking at their door. But these are not common occurrences. We should still feel safe. We should live life.
We have a friend that is fearful of the unknown. He hasn't seen all that much of America but watches a lot of television. Evidently much of his programming is about gangs and random murders. Any trip Tricia and I have ever planned has prompted dire warnings from him.
"Why on Earth would you go to Memphis?" he asks. "Do you have any idea how dangerous it is there? All I can say is you better not talk to strangers!"
"Miami's terrible," he warns. "Do NOT roll down your windows - especially if someone walks up to your car door!"
"Don't even bother going to Detroit," he suggests. "It has the highest murder rate in the country. You'll die."
It's become a joke between us but, still, it's all rooted in truth. Not truth concerning the lack of safety in these places but the true fear Tim has of places unknown. I once took a trip with him and another friend when we were in college. One night we decided to sleep in the car at a rest stop. Tim insisted on sleeping with his head all covered up despite the fact that it was eighty degrees outside.
"Why do you have your head covered up," I asked.
"So if someone breaks into the car and kills the two of you I won't see him do it," he explained. "If I don't see him kill you two then there's no reason for him to kill me."
You really can't argue with logic like that. Thankfully no one killed us that night. Yet again, I survived.
"Hey Tricia," I said. "I've got the title for my blog this week."
"What?" she asked.
"Instead of 'Virginia is for Lovers'" I told her, "I'll call it 'Virginia is for Drunken Murders.'"
"Funny," she chuckled. Perhaps she was just humoring me but I'm okay with that. I'll take laughs anywhere I can get them. I should laugh every chance I get.
I'm lucky to be alive.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The List - Part 2
A few weeks ago I shared our obsession with tuning in for just about any show that is based on a subjective rank ordering of music. Or movies. Or...
The whole idea is really pretty dumb other than that it creates a fun opportunity to get angry with society in large for their misguided and unfortunate opinions and tastes. Here is how the top 20 played out...
20. Marvin Gaye
19. U2
A band whose guitarist has the silliest name ever - The Edge. Do people really even call him that? "Uh, The Edge, I was wondering if you might pass the potatoes?" I once passed on a chance to see the Black Crowes, who are a very cool band despite not making this list, in a very small theater so that I could see U2 at Busch Stadium in downtown St. Louis during the Zoo TV tour. There were thousands of people, terrible acoustics, monstrously large TV screens on stage, and a "spontaneous" call to Washington DC so that Bono (another goofy name) could speak his mind to some random White House operator. Hoaky? Yes. Great concert? Definitely. And I was fortunate enough to catch the Black Crowes about five years later.
18. Pink Floyd
17. Queen
One of my all-time favorite bands. But I'd really like to know where "Bohemian Rhapsody" came from. I mean, how do you even start writing something like that? "So fellas, I was thinking maybe an operatic piece for this one!"
16. Madonna
15. The Beach Boys
14. Nirvana
I was shocked they were this high given they only had three or four albums. A few days later I went back and listened to "Nevermind" and was reminded that there's not a single song worth skipping. That's pretty impressive.
13. The Who
12. David Bowie
11. Bob Marley
10. Stevie Wonder
9. James Brown
I was really hoping they'd show that scene from "Rocky 4" and sure enough they did. However, they somehow failed to show the mug shot. That's a shame. I have a feeling James Brown just might be A BIT of a jerk.
8. Elvis Presley
7. Prince
I once had a music professor say that Prince was every bit as important in music history as Mozart. And this was coming from the mouth of someone who loved classical music and directed the university's operas. Am I missing something?
6. Jimi Hendrix
Another artist I think I like yet never really want to listen to. Outside of "Little Wing" and "The Wind Cries Mary" there aren't any other songs that would keep me from hitting skip.
5. Bob Dylan
4. The Rolling Stones
3. Led Zeppelin
2. Michael Jackson
1. The Beatles
How is it The Beatles were only together for ten years? They must have written about a bazillion songs each year!
So when the show was over I started playing around with the idea of my own subjective rankings. Here are a few I came up with...
Top Five Artists Left Off the Original List
5. The Byrds
4. Roy Orbison
3. Red Hot Chili Peppers
2.Woody Guthrie
1. Eric Clapton
How do you leave Eric Clapton off that list? Sure, Cream made it in somewhere but he's been inducted into the R&R Hall of Fame THREE times. That's crazy!
Top Five Favorite Movies
5. Wonder Boys
4. Bottle Rocket
3. Lone Star
2. Little Miss Sunshine
1. The Big Lebowski
"The Dude abides."
Bottom Five Movies
5. Simon Birch
4. Anything starring Pauly Shore
3. The Cutting Edge
2. With Honors
1. Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
Top Five Favorite Books (for adults)
5. On The Road
4. Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
3. Malcolm X
2. A Prayer for Owen Meany
1. To Kill a Mockingbird
It's no coincidence that two of my least favorite movies just happen to show up on my favorite book list.
Top Five Favorite Books (chapter books written for kids but still great for adults)
5. Love That Dog
4. Entire Harry Potter Series
3. Missing May
2. Ruby Holler
1. Charlotte's Web
Top Five Favorite Books (picture books written for kids but still great for adults)
5. Mr. George Baker
4. Letting Swift River Go
3. Roxaboxen
2. The Relatives Came
1. All the Places to Love
Top Ten Beatles Songs
10. When I'm Sixty Four
9. Norwegian Wood
8. I'm Only Sleeping
7. Come Together
6. In My Life
5. Strawberry Fields Forever
4. A Day in the Life
3. Something
2. Let It Be
1. Hey Jude
I tried to do a top 5 but couldn't make a number of the necessary cuts so I broadened it to the top 10.
The whole idea is really pretty dumb other than that it creates a fun opportunity to get angry with society in large for their misguided and unfortunate opinions and tastes. Here is how the top 20 played out...
20. Marvin Gaye
19. U2
A band whose guitarist has the silliest name ever - The Edge. Do people really even call him that? "Uh, The Edge, I was wondering if you might pass the potatoes?" I once passed on a chance to see the Black Crowes, who are a very cool band despite not making this list, in a very small theater so that I could see U2 at Busch Stadium in downtown St. Louis during the Zoo TV tour. There were thousands of people, terrible acoustics, monstrously large TV screens on stage, and a "spontaneous" call to Washington DC so that Bono (another goofy name) could speak his mind to some random White House operator. Hoaky? Yes. Great concert? Definitely. And I was fortunate enough to catch the Black Crowes about five years later.
18. Pink Floyd
17. Queen
One of my all-time favorite bands. But I'd really like to know where "Bohemian Rhapsody" came from. I mean, how do you even start writing something like that? "So fellas, I was thinking maybe an operatic piece for this one!"
16. Madonna
15. The Beach Boys
14. Nirvana
I was shocked they were this high given they only had three or four albums. A few days later I went back and listened to "Nevermind" and was reminded that there's not a single song worth skipping. That's pretty impressive.
13. The Who
12. David Bowie
11. Bob Marley
10. Stevie Wonder
9. James Brown
I was really hoping they'd show that scene from "Rocky 4" and sure enough they did. However, they somehow failed to show the mug shot. That's a shame. I have a feeling James Brown just might be A BIT of a jerk.
8. Elvis Presley
7. Prince
I once had a music professor say that Prince was every bit as important in music history as Mozart. And this was coming from the mouth of someone who loved classical music and directed the university's operas. Am I missing something?
6. Jimi Hendrix
Another artist I think I like yet never really want to listen to. Outside of "Little Wing" and "The Wind Cries Mary" there aren't any other songs that would keep me from hitting skip.
5. Bob Dylan
4. The Rolling Stones
3. Led Zeppelin
2. Michael Jackson
1. The Beatles
How is it The Beatles were only together for ten years? They must have written about a bazillion songs each year!
So when the show was over I started playing around with the idea of my own subjective rankings. Here are a few I came up with...
Top Five Artists Left Off the Original List
5. The Byrds
4. Roy Orbison
3. Red Hot Chili Peppers
2.Woody Guthrie
1. Eric Clapton
How do you leave Eric Clapton off that list? Sure, Cream made it in somewhere but he's been inducted into the R&R Hall of Fame THREE times. That's crazy!
Top Five Favorite Movies
5. Wonder Boys
4. Bottle Rocket
3. Lone Star
2. Little Miss Sunshine
1. The Big Lebowski
"The Dude abides."
Bottom Five Movies
5. Simon Birch
4. Anything starring Pauly Shore
3. The Cutting Edge
2. With Honors
1. Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
Top Five Favorite Books (for adults)
5. On The Road
4. Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
3. Malcolm X
2. A Prayer for Owen Meany
1. To Kill a Mockingbird
It's no coincidence that two of my least favorite movies just happen to show up on my favorite book list.
Top Five Favorite Books (chapter books written for kids but still great for adults)
5. Love That Dog
4. Entire Harry Potter Series
3. Missing May
2. Ruby Holler
1. Charlotte's Web
Top Five Favorite Books (picture books written for kids but still great for adults)
5. Mr. George Baker
4. Letting Swift River Go
3. Roxaboxen
2. The Relatives Came
1. All the Places to Love
Top Ten Beatles Songs
10. When I'm Sixty Four
9. Norwegian Wood
8. I'm Only Sleeping
7. Come Together
6. In My Life
5. Strawberry Fields Forever
4. A Day in the Life
3. Something
2. Let It Be
1. Hey Jude
I tried to do a top 5 but couldn't make a number of the necessary cuts so I broadened it to the top 10.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Searching for a Sign
Ainsley recently celebrated her seventh birthday. She invited a few friends over from school and from the neighborhood to play in her room, watch a movie, and sleep over. The running deal with each of the kids is that they can invite four or five friends over for their birthday - four for the boys and five for the girls. This may seem unfair but we've long observed that girls are much quieter - and gentler on our house - than boys. To further remedy this Muluken's last birthday sleepover was a "campout" in the backyard. The boys set up a tent near the garden in the back of our yard and despite the fact that the windows were closed, the air conditioner was running, and we had the television on, we could still hear them out there.
The boys' and girls' parties differ in one other way too - the unwrapping of the gifts. While the boys tear open one gift after another, paying no attention to the cards attached or who they are even from, the girls seem to read over each card carefully, smile, and offer a sincere thanks.
I can't blame the boys too much for this, though. I really don't like birthday cards either. I only half-heartedly read them. Then there's the question of how long I will have to keep the cards before dropping them into the recycling bin.
Perhaps the reason I don't like cards is that they're not very personal. If it were a blank card with a personal message, written from the heart, it would be one thing. Or if it were funny or wildly inappropriate (I once gave my sister a "Sorry your dog died" card for her birthday - demonstrating humor that evidently not many people find all that funny).
But what cards offer, instead, are corny poems and saccharine passages intended for every man - literally. It could easily be argued that greeting cards represent some of the worst writing to be found. And I would probably agree with this, too. At least, I would if there were no such thing as church signs.
Growing up in Granite City, Illinois, there were churches on nearly every corner. While most felt secure using their signs out front to advertise upcoming events and services, there were a dedicated few who reserved the use of the sign for messages. Some were inspirational, others were funny, a few were somewhat frightening, and many others were beyond my ability to understand.
Yet as bad as church sign messages often are I can't stop from reading them. It's like slowing to gawk at a car accident - you don't really want to see it but you're kinda curious.
So, with that in mind, I offer a few favorites and un-favorites...
Corny/Almost Too Predictable
God Answers Knee-Mail
Get rich quick. Count your blessings!
Forbidden fruit creates many jams
God wants full custody not just a weekend visit.
Fight Truth Decay...Study The Bible Daily
God grades on the cross, not on the curve
Autumn leaves - Jesus doesn't
Need a lifeguard? Ours walks on water!
Down in the mouth? It’s time for a faith lift
We'll Scare You Into Going to Church
A fire is HOT. The Sun is HOTTER. Hell will be the HOTTEST
A bad day at work is better than a good day in hell.
If you think it's hot now, just wait
ETERNITY: smoking, or non-smoking?
Too Long or Difficult to Understand While Driving
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.
Coming soon: Manufacturers recall. Are you ready???
Gives Me the Creeps
God: The perfect lover
Really? You thought THAT was a good idea?
A good place for the "buck to stop" is at the collection plate.
Trying Too Hard to be Hip
Always remember that Hell is un-cool
Get off facebook and take out faith book
Stealing From Others (or: "Breaking our own commandments")
Got Jesus?
God is like Allstate, you’re in good hands
God is like Coca-Cola, he’s the real thing
Huh?
If man came from apes... Why are there still apes?
Kind of Clever
Google can't satisfy every search
God expects spiritual fruit, not religious nuts
Actually Pretty Funny
Now open between Easter and Christmas!
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him.
FREE bread and juice inside!!!
Church. Cheaper than NFL tickets.
And then there's my favorite of them all...
"Cant sleep? Come hear a sermon."
Friday, September 10, 2010
The List
Tricia and I were once very addicted to television. It didn't matter what was on; chances were we'd watch it. It was sometimes due to boredom. But more often it was just pure laziness.
This was before we had kids. We'd spend a significant part of each evening staring at the tube. Among our favorite channels in those days was VH-1. We spent countless hours watching Behind the Music documentaries on memorable acts such as Leif Garrett, Milli Vanilli, Billy Idol, Vanilla Ice, and The Carpenters (who probably don't fully deserve to be lumped into this group). Much like Law & Order, BTM was formulaic and we knew what to expect: drugs, success, more drugs, break-ups, even more drugs. Toward the end there would be mention of a past-their-prime reunion in which the voice-over would claim that the band/artist was still touring. But you knew for a fact it was probably at a county fair or some small town casino.
Another VH-1favorite or ours was the "100 Greatest..." series. Again, it didn't matter what it was so long as there was going to be an arbitrary ranking involved. There were so many of these lists it was hard to keep them straight: 100 greatest bands, 100 greatest songs, 100 greatest heavy metal groups, 100 greatest power balads, 100 greatest songs of the 80s, 90s, and on and on. Many were genres of music we didn't even like or know anything about but, still, we had to find out who would be #1. If our predictions were correct we somehow felt vindicated and if we were wrong we would be outraged.
"Damn straight Welcome to the Jungle is the #1 hard rock song of all time! But what morons voted The Who's We Won't Get Fooled Again at #6? They're not even a heavy metal band!!!"
Maybe that's why we watched the lists. Just to argue.
We knew we had a problem. So about the time we found out we were going to be parents we decided to stop watching VH-1. Well, actually we decided to stop watching all the channels. We unplugged the TV and stored it away under a workbench in the basement. I can still remember calling to cancel our Direct TV account.
"We want to cancel our account."
"Would it help if we reduced your bill?"
"No. We don't have a TV anymore."
"I could knock ten dollars off."
"No. We don't have a TV. I couldn't watch it anyway."
"How about fifteen dollars? Would that make a difference?"
After a few years we eventually brought the TV back up but refused to get cable or a sattelite. I feared we'd fall back into old patterns. Over the years, though, we've returned to the mainstream. We now have a TV and are back in Direct TV's good graces. We even have a dew-hicky on the remote that will record programs for us. But we don't have VH-1 - at least not programmed our channel list. It's still there somewhere, though. Lurking. Waiting for us to return. But we resist.
However, this past week our battle proved futile. We were checking to see what had programs had been saved (expecting to find the Daily Show or Tosh.0) only to see that our friend Tim had recorded VH-1's "100 Greatest Artists." A five-hour program dedicated to rank ordering a diverse group of musicians from bluesman to hip hop artists to heavy metal groups to folkies to rappers. No Mozart though. He didn't make the top 100. Neither did Miles Davis.
I know this because Tricia and I have been dedicating 40 minutes each night (the recording dew-hicky allows us to skip the commercials - which by itself is worth the $5/month) to finding out what these a**holes got wrong. And be rest assured, they got plenty wrong.
Here's the list so far (as well as a sampling of the many rants I direct at the TV when watching) ...
100 Alicia Keys
99 Hall & Oates
98 Depeche Mode
"Depeche Mode? They had one song anyone's ever even heard of! Oh, I know that one. That one, too. Wow, and that one. Holy cow they have a lot of good songs!"
97 Pretenders
96 Journey
"I don't care what they say...Journey sucks!"
95 OutKast
94 Mariah Carey (the only artist we fast forwarded through)
93 Pearl Jam
"Damn straight, Pearly Jam! But why are they only playing songs from their first album - eighteen years ago?"
92 LL Cool J
91 Green Day
90 Elvis Costello
"Seriously? I don't know any of these songs!"
89 Beastie Boys
"Why is it that I don't own every Beastie Boys album ever made?"
88 Bee Gees
"How can the Bee Gees be this low? I'm not a huge fan but seriously - they had a lot of #1's, wrote tons of songs for other artists, and weren't afraid to highlight the chest hair."
87 George Michael
86 N.W.A.
85 The Band
84 Curtis Mayfield
"Over-rated. If you can't find three good songs from an entire career to play then how could he possibly be in the top 100?"
83 Earth, Wind and Fire
82 Steely Dan
81 ABBA
80 Mary J. Blige
79 Eminem
78 Judas Priest
77 Lynyrd Skynyrd
76 Run-D.M.C.
75 Rush
74 The Cure
"Who did The Cure pay to get on this list. I liked them and all (even attending a concert in full Goth get-up as a joke) but #74? Really? Did you see Hall and Oates were #100?)
73 Van Morrison
72 Janis Joplin
71 R.E.M.
"One of my five favorite bands of all time."
70 Def Leppard
69 Tupac Shakur
68 Otis Redding
67 Coldplay
66 Justin Timberlake (Spits beverage from mouth and clutches chest)
"You hear that Elizabeth honey? I'm comin' to join you!"
65 The Doors
"I really want to like the Doors - and do. Yet I'm never in a mood to listen to them."
64 Talking Heads
63 Notorious B.I.G.
62 Genesis
61 Cream
60 Whitney Houston
"I hope they don't play that damn song from...ugh, that's the one."
59 Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
"I was at a party a few months ago and someone told me I look a little like Tom Petty. I don't think that's a compliment!"
58 Cheap Trick
"Hey, how did one good song get these jokers in the top 60?"
57 Iggy and The Stooges
"I must be missing something. This music sucks and that guy really needs to get a shirt on!"
56 KISS
"Thank God KISS didn't crack the top 50. I'd probably stop watching."
55 Peter Gabriel
"Peter Gabriel's great if you're ever in the mood to listen to a bunch of ten minute songs."
54 Public Enemy
"Fight the Power!"
53 Little Richard (Okay, I was wrong. We fast-forwarded this one too. LR thinks A LOT of himself!)
52 Beyoncé
51 Billy Joel
"One ugly man."
50 Sade
"Who? Didn't she have that ONE song a long, long time ago?"
49 Parliament-Funkadelic
"Why are there like fifty people on the stage? With that many band members you'd think they could write more than one good song."
48 Rage Against The Machine
"Hell yeah, Rage Against the Maching! Rally around the family, with a pocket full of shells!"
47 Jay-Z
46 Ramones
"I'll have to take you're word for it that these guys are good. Green Day is way up there at #91 and about a million times better."
45 Al Green
44 Joni Mitchell
"In two minutes of this clip they can't play a single track from before 2000? I don't even know this song? She still sings?"
43 Ray Charles
42 Metallica
41 Van Halen
"Van Halen is above Metallica? I'm not listening to either one but seriously...it's Metallica!"
40 The Police
39 The Kinks
38 Sly and The Family Stone
37 Fleetwood Mac
"How can they have so many great songs yet I never feel compelled to listen to any of them? Well, except for Landslide."
36 Paul McCartney
"I've got no problem with this. If anything, he might be a little too high."
35 Johnny Cash
"No way there's going to be 34 better artists than Johnny Cash!!!!!"
34 Tina Turner
33 Guns N’ Roses
"Lack of longevity. Otherwise they have to be top ten or fifteen."
32 Black Sabbath
31 John Lennon
"31? ... 31? Who the hell is going to beat John Lennon?"
30 Aerosmith
"Aerosmith just beat John Lennon? Where's the freakin' remote?"
29 Radiohead
"Ha, I love Radiohead but #29? All their new music is techno crap noone wants to listen to. Why the hell would such a great band give up on guitars and drums?"
28 Elton John
"Nice glasses."
27 Aretha Franklin
26 Neil Young
"Should have been top ten. By the way, I hate that Rockin' in the Free World song."
25 Chuck Berry
24 The Velvet Underground
"Sure Nico had a voice unlike any other. It was terrible. Other people who sound like her generally avoid recording it on vinyl."
23 AC/DC
"They did this list twelve years ago and AC/DC wasn't even on it. Now they're #23? I'm starting think these lists aren't real credible!"
22 The Clash
21 Bruce Springsteen
20 Marvin Gaye
So who were the top 20? We'll find out in about 40 minutes. My top five are going to be: (5) Eric Clapton, (4) Bob Dylan, (3) Michael Jackson, (2) Elvis Presley, and (1) The Beatles.
And if the Beatles and Elvis are not #1 and 2 then I swear this is the last of these lists I'll ever watch.
This was before we had kids. We'd spend a significant part of each evening staring at the tube. Among our favorite channels in those days was VH-1. We spent countless hours watching Behind the Music documentaries on memorable acts such as Leif Garrett, Milli Vanilli, Billy Idol, Vanilla Ice, and The Carpenters (who probably don't fully deserve to be lumped into this group). Much like Law & Order, BTM was formulaic and we knew what to expect: drugs, success, more drugs, break-ups, even more drugs. Toward the end there would be mention of a past-their-prime reunion in which the voice-over would claim that the band/artist was still touring. But you knew for a fact it was probably at a county fair or some small town casino.
Another VH-1favorite or ours was the "100 Greatest..." series. Again, it didn't matter what it was so long as there was going to be an arbitrary ranking involved. There were so many of these lists it was hard to keep them straight: 100 greatest bands, 100 greatest songs, 100 greatest heavy metal groups, 100 greatest power balads, 100 greatest songs of the 80s, 90s, and on and on. Many were genres of music we didn't even like or know anything about but, still, we had to find out who would be #1. If our predictions were correct we somehow felt vindicated and if we were wrong we would be outraged.
"Damn straight Welcome to the Jungle is the #1 hard rock song of all time! But what morons voted The Who's We Won't Get Fooled Again at #6? They're not even a heavy metal band!!!"
Maybe that's why we watched the lists. Just to argue.
We knew we had a problem. So about the time we found out we were going to be parents we decided to stop watching VH-1. Well, actually we decided to stop watching all the channels. We unplugged the TV and stored it away under a workbench in the basement. I can still remember calling to cancel our Direct TV account.
"We want to cancel our account."
"Would it help if we reduced your bill?"
"No. We don't have a TV anymore."
"I could knock ten dollars off."
"No. We don't have a TV. I couldn't watch it anyway."
"How about fifteen dollars? Would that make a difference?"
After a few years we eventually brought the TV back up but refused to get cable or a sattelite. I feared we'd fall back into old patterns. Over the years, though, we've returned to the mainstream. We now have a TV and are back in Direct TV's good graces. We even have a dew-hicky on the remote that will record programs for us. But we don't have VH-1 - at least not programmed our channel list. It's still there somewhere, though. Lurking. Waiting for us to return. But we resist.
However, this past week our battle proved futile. We were checking to see what had programs had been saved (expecting to find the Daily Show or Tosh.0) only to see that our friend Tim had recorded VH-1's "100 Greatest Artists." A five-hour program dedicated to rank ordering a diverse group of musicians from bluesman to hip hop artists to heavy metal groups to folkies to rappers. No Mozart though. He didn't make the top 100. Neither did Miles Davis.
I know this because Tricia and I have been dedicating 40 minutes each night (the recording dew-hicky allows us to skip the commercials - which by itself is worth the $5/month) to finding out what these a**holes got wrong. And be rest assured, they got plenty wrong.
Here's the list so far (as well as a sampling of the many rants I direct at the TV when watching) ...
100 Alicia Keys
99 Hall & Oates
98 Depeche Mode
"Depeche Mode? They had one song anyone's ever even heard of! Oh, I know that one. That one, too. Wow, and that one. Holy cow they have a lot of good songs!"
97 Pretenders
96 Journey
"I don't care what they say...Journey sucks!"
95 OutKast
94 Mariah Carey (the only artist we fast forwarded through)
93 Pearl Jam
"Damn straight, Pearly Jam! But why are they only playing songs from their first album - eighteen years ago?"
92 LL Cool J
91 Green Day
90 Elvis Costello
"Seriously? I don't know any of these songs!"
89 Beastie Boys
"Why is it that I don't own every Beastie Boys album ever made?"
88 Bee Gees
"How can the Bee Gees be this low? I'm not a huge fan but seriously - they had a lot of #1's, wrote tons of songs for other artists, and weren't afraid to highlight the chest hair."
87 George Michael
86 N.W.A.
85 The Band
84 Curtis Mayfield
"Over-rated. If you can't find three good songs from an entire career to play then how could he possibly be in the top 100?"
83 Earth, Wind and Fire
82 Steely Dan
81 ABBA
80 Mary J. Blige
79 Eminem
78 Judas Priest
77 Lynyrd Skynyrd
76 Run-D.M.C.
75 Rush
74 The Cure
"Who did The Cure pay to get on this list. I liked them and all (even attending a concert in full Goth get-up as a joke) but #74? Really? Did you see Hall and Oates were #100?)
73 Van Morrison
72 Janis Joplin
71 R.E.M.
"One of my five favorite bands of all time."
70 Def Leppard
69 Tupac Shakur
68 Otis Redding
67 Coldplay
66 Justin Timberlake (Spits beverage from mouth and clutches chest)
"You hear that Elizabeth honey? I'm comin' to join you!"
65 The Doors
"I really want to like the Doors - and do. Yet I'm never in a mood to listen to them."
64 Talking Heads
63 Notorious B.I.G.
62 Genesis
61 Cream
60 Whitney Houston
"I hope they don't play that damn song from...ugh, that's the one."
59 Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
"I was at a party a few months ago and someone told me I look a little like Tom Petty. I don't think that's a compliment!"
58 Cheap Trick
"Hey, how did one good song get these jokers in the top 60?"
57 Iggy and The Stooges
"I must be missing something. This music sucks and that guy really needs to get a shirt on!"
56 KISS
"Thank God KISS didn't crack the top 50. I'd probably stop watching."
55 Peter Gabriel
"Peter Gabriel's great if you're ever in the mood to listen to a bunch of ten minute songs."
54 Public Enemy
"Fight the Power!"
53 Little Richard (Okay, I was wrong. We fast-forwarded this one too. LR thinks A LOT of himself!)
52 Beyoncé
51 Billy Joel
"One ugly man."
50 Sade
"Who? Didn't she have that ONE song a long, long time ago?"
49 Parliament-Funkadelic
"Why are there like fifty people on the stage? With that many band members you'd think they could write more than one good song."
48 Rage Against The Machine
"Hell yeah, Rage Against the Maching! Rally around the family, with a pocket full of shells!"
47 Jay-Z
46 Ramones
"I'll have to take you're word for it that these guys are good. Green Day is way up there at #91 and about a million times better."
45 Al Green
44 Joni Mitchell
"In two minutes of this clip they can't play a single track from before 2000? I don't even know this song? She still sings?"
43 Ray Charles
42 Metallica
41 Van Halen
"Van Halen is above Metallica? I'm not listening to either one but seriously...it's Metallica!"
40 The Police
39 The Kinks
38 Sly and The Family Stone
37 Fleetwood Mac
"How can they have so many great songs yet I never feel compelled to listen to any of them? Well, except for Landslide."
36 Paul McCartney
"I've got no problem with this. If anything, he might be a little too high."
35 Johnny Cash
"No way there's going to be 34 better artists than Johnny Cash!!!!!"
34 Tina Turner
33 Guns N’ Roses
"Lack of longevity. Otherwise they have to be top ten or fifteen."
32 Black Sabbath
31 John Lennon
"31? ... 31? Who the hell is going to beat John Lennon?"
30 Aerosmith
"Aerosmith just beat John Lennon? Where's the freakin' remote?"
29 Radiohead
"Ha, I love Radiohead but #29? All their new music is techno crap noone wants to listen to. Why the hell would such a great band give up on guitars and drums?"
28 Elton John
"Nice glasses."
27 Aretha Franklin
26 Neil Young
"Should have been top ten. By the way, I hate that Rockin' in the Free World song."
25 Chuck Berry
24 The Velvet Underground
"Sure Nico had a voice unlike any other. It was terrible. Other people who sound like her generally avoid recording it on vinyl."
23 AC/DC
"They did this list twelve years ago and AC/DC wasn't even on it. Now they're #23? I'm starting think these lists aren't real credible!"
22 The Clash
21 Bruce Springsteen
20 Marvin Gaye
So who were the top 20? We'll find out in about 40 minutes. My top five are going to be: (5) Eric Clapton, (4) Bob Dylan, (3) Michael Jackson, (2) Elvis Presley, and (1) The Beatles.
And if the Beatles and Elvis are not #1 and 2 then I swear this is the last of these lists I'll ever watch.
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