The List

Tricia and I were once very addicted to television. It didn't matter what was on; chances were we'd watch it. It was sometimes due to boredom. But more often it was just pure laziness.

This was before we had kids. We'd spend a significant part of each evening staring at the tube. Among our favorite channels in those days was VH-1. We spent countless hours watching Behind the Music documentaries on memorable acts such as Leif Garrett, Milli Vanilli, Billy Idol, Vanilla Ice, and The Carpenters (who probably don't fully deserve to be lumped into this group). Much like Law & Order, BTM was formulaic and we knew what to expect: drugs, success, more drugs, break-ups, even more drugs. Toward the end there would be mention of a past-their-prime reunion in which the voice-over would claim that the band/artist was still touring. But you knew for a fact it was probably at a county fair or some small town casino.

Another VH-1favorite or ours was the "100 Greatest..." series. Again, it didn't matter what it was so long as there was going to be an arbitrary ranking involved. There were so many of these lists it was hard to keep them straight: 100 greatest bands, 100 greatest songs, 100 greatest heavy metal groups, 100 greatest power balads, 100 greatest songs of the 80s, 90s, and on and on. Many were genres of music we didn't even like or know anything about but, still, we had to find out who would be #1. If our predictions were correct we somehow felt vindicated and if we were wrong we would be outraged.

"Damn straight Welcome to the Jungle is the #1 hard rock song of all time! But what morons voted The Who's We Won't Get Fooled Again at #6? They're not even a heavy metal band!!!"

Maybe that's why we watched the lists. Just to argue.

We knew we had a problem. So about the time we found out we were going to be parents we decided to stop watching VH-1. Well, actually we decided to stop watching all the channels. We unplugged the TV and stored it away under a workbench in the basement. I can still remember calling to cancel our Direct TV account.

"We want to cancel our account."

"Would it help if we reduced your bill?"

"No. We don't have a TV anymore."

"I could knock ten dollars off."

"No. We don't have a TV. I couldn't watch it anyway."

"How about fifteen dollars? Would that make a difference?"

After a few years we eventually brought the TV back up but refused to get cable or a sattelite. I feared we'd fall back into old patterns. Over the years, though, we've returned to the mainstream. We now have a TV and are back in Direct TV's good graces. We even have a dew-hicky on the remote that will record programs for us. But we don't have VH-1 - at least not programmed our channel list. It's still there somewhere, though. Lurking. Waiting for us to return. But we resist.

However, this past week our battle proved futile. We were checking to see what had programs had been saved (expecting to find the Daily Show or Tosh.0) only to see that our friend Tim had recorded VH-1's "100 Greatest Artists." A five-hour program dedicated to rank ordering a diverse group of musicians from bluesman to hip hop artists to heavy metal groups to folkies to rappers. No Mozart though. He didn't make the top 100. Neither did Miles Davis.

I know this because Tricia and I have been dedicating 40 minutes each night (the recording dew-hicky allows us to skip the commercials - which by itself is worth the $5/month) to finding out what these a**holes got wrong. And be rest assured, they got plenty wrong.

Here's the list so far (as well as a sampling of the many rants I direct at the TV when watching) ...

100 Alicia Keys
99 Hall & Oates
98 Depeche Mode
 "Depeche Mode? They had one song anyone's ever even heard of! Oh, I know that one. That one, too. Wow, and that one. Holy cow they have a lot of good songs!"

97 Pretenders
96 Journey
 "I don't care what they say...Journey sucks!"

95 OutKast
94 Mariah Carey (the only artist we fast forwarded through)
93 Pearl Jam
"Damn straight, Pearly Jam! But why are they only playing songs from their first album - eighteen years ago?"

92 LL Cool J
91 Green Day
90 Elvis Costello
"Seriously? I don't know any of these songs!"

89 Beastie Boys
"Why is it that I don't own every Beastie Boys album ever made?"

88 Bee Gees
"How can the Bee Gees be this low? I'm not a huge fan but seriously - they had a lot of #1's, wrote tons of songs for other artists, and weren't afraid to highlight the chest hair."

87 George Michael
86 N.W.A.
85 The Band
84 Curtis Mayfield
"Over-rated. If you can't find three good songs from an entire career to play then how could he possibly be in the top 100?"

83 Earth, Wind and Fire
82 Steely Dan
81 ABBA
80 Mary J. Blige
79 Eminem
78 Judas Priest
77 Lynyrd Skynyrd
76 Run-D.M.C.
75 Rush
74 The Cure
"Who did The Cure pay to get on this list. I liked them and all (even attending a concert in full Goth get-up as a joke) but #74? Really? Did you see Hall and Oates were #100?)

73 Van Morrison
72 Janis Joplin
71 R.E.M.
"One of my five favorite bands of all time."


70 Def Leppard
69 Tupac Shakur
68 Otis Redding
67 Coldplay
66 Justin Timberlake (Spits beverage from mouth and clutches chest)
"You hear that Elizabeth honey? I'm comin' to join you!"

65 The Doors
"I really want to like the Doors - and do. Yet I'm never in a mood to listen to them."

64 Talking Heads
63 Notorious B.I.G.
62 Genesis
61 Cream
60 Whitney Houston
"I hope they don't play that damn song from...ugh, that's the one."

59 Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
"I was at a party a few months ago and someone told me I look a little like Tom Petty. I don't think that's a compliment!"

58 Cheap Trick
"Hey, how did one good song get these jokers in the top 60?"

57 Iggy and The Stooges
"I must be missing something. This music sucks and that guy really needs to get a shirt on!"

56 KISS
"Thank God KISS didn't crack the top 50. I'd probably stop watching."

55 Peter Gabriel
"Peter Gabriel's great if you're ever in the mood to listen to a bunch of ten minute songs."

54 Public Enemy
"Fight the Power!"

53 Little Richard (Okay, I was wrong. We fast-forwarded this one too. LR thinks A LOT of himself!)

52 Beyoncé
51 Billy Joel
"One ugly man."

50 Sade
"Who? Didn't she have that ONE song a long, long time ago?"

49 Parliament-Funkadelic
"Why are there like fifty people on the stage? With that many band members you'd think they could write more than one good song."

48 Rage Against The Machine
"Hell yeah, Rage Against the Maching! Rally around the family, with a pocket full of shells!"

47 Jay-Z
46 Ramones
"I'll have to take you're word for it that these guys are good. Green Day is way up there at #91 and about a million times better."

45 Al Green
44 Joni Mitchell
"In two minutes of this clip they can't play a single track from before 2000? I don't even know this song? She still sings?"

43 Ray Charles
42 Metallica
41 Van Halen
"Van Halen is above Metallica? I'm not listening to either one but seriously...it's Metallica!"

40 The Police
39 The Kinks
38 Sly and The Family Stone
37 Fleetwood Mac
"How can they have so many great songs yet I never feel compelled to listen to any of them? Well, except for Landslide."

36 Paul McCartney
"I've got no problem with this. If anything, he might be a little too high."

35 Johnny Cash
"No way there's going to be 34 better artists than Johnny Cash!!!!!"

34 Tina Turner
33 Guns N’ Roses
"Lack of longevity. Otherwise they have to be top ten or fifteen."

32 Black Sabbath
31 John Lennon
"31? ... 31? Who the hell is going to beat John Lennon?"

30 Aerosmith
"Aerosmith just beat John Lennon? Where's the freakin' remote?"

29 Radiohead
"Ha, I love Radiohead but #29? All their new music is techno crap noone wants to listen to. Why the hell would such a great band give up on guitars and drums?"

28 Elton John
"Nice glasses."

27 Aretha Franklin
26 Neil Young
"Should have been top ten. By the way, I hate that Rockin' in the Free World song."

25 Chuck Berry
24 The Velvet Underground
"Sure Nico had a voice unlike any other. It was terrible. Other people who sound like her generally avoid recording it on vinyl."

23 AC/DC
"They did this list twelve years ago and AC/DC wasn't even on it. Now they're #23? I'm starting think these lists aren't real credible!"

22 The Clash
21 Bruce Springsteen
20 Marvin Gaye

So who were the top 20? We'll find out in about 40 minutes. My top five are going to be: (5) Eric Clapton, (4) Bob Dylan, (3) Michael Jackson, (2) Elvis Presley, and (1) The Beatles.

And if the Beatles and Elvis are not #1 and 2 then I swear this is the last of these lists I'll ever watch.