It has been suggested I might follow this rancorous list with a more polite compilation of things I love. I don't know. That might be harder. There are certainly many things I love but to accidentally omit just one could be costly. I mean, I forgot to include Hitler in my current list but no one decided to give me the cold shoulder or stop talking to me all together.
M - Mustache. This is best referred to as the "porn-stache" because it can make any respectable guy look as though he has been transported to the world of 1970's adult entertainment. I find mustaches to be distracting, at best. Of course, there's many kinds. There's the bushy 'stache (Einstein, Sonny Bono, Tom Selleck, John Oates, Dr. Phil), Fu-Manchu (Hulk Hogan), Overgrown (David Crosby, Gene Shalit, Frank Zappa), Overly manicured (Freddie Mercury), Flamboyant (Geraldo Rivera, Vincent Price, Salvador Dali), Small (Charlie Chaplan, Hitler), Thin-Lined (John Waters, Clark Gable), Bushy Sideburn/Mustache Combo (Richard Roundtree), Handlebar (Rolly Fingers), and fake (Groucho Marx). Few men have successfully pulled off the mustache: Clint Eastwood, Richard Prior, Martin Luther King, Jr, and Yosemite Sam, to name a few.
Others: maggots, malted milk balls, mannequins, manure, messiness, mink coats, mosquitoes, murder, and Michael Bolton
N - N-SYNC, NWA, Naughty by Nature, Nick Lachey, and the Notorious BIG. This is a hateful tribute to most, if not all, boy bands and gangster rap groups. While I generally feel as though I like all kinds of music (although to differing degrees) I doubt I'll ever come around to either of these genres.
Others: nausea and neck tattoos
O- Ostentatiousness. For a period of time my dad would come home from work each week with a new word he and a friend had looked up in the dictionary. Their goal each week was to use this word a predetermined number of times each day until it became part of their vocabulary. I think, too, they hoped to annoy those around them. The only two words I remember are "ostentatious" and "facetious." It's been at least twenty-five years but I still use both words from time to time. The definition of ostentatious is "pretentious or conspicuous show in an attempt to impress others." I wonder if my dad found this to be ironic?
Others: opossums and the Oakridge Boys
I agree with almost all of your hate picks this time. With the notable exception of opossums. I love those things. While they are much maligned, they are just doing what opossums do. OK, they are a little behind on the evolutionary scale. Other animals seem to be able to get out of the way of oncoming cars, wile the humble opossum is left with the fairly useless defense of, "if I stay very still right here perhaps this oncoming mechanical vehicle will not notice me in its path."
ReplyDeleteBut how about the fact that it is the only marsupial on our continent? How about that ropey prehensile tail that allows it to hang upside down in trees? How about the fact that they taste so delicious stewed?
About the mustache... Could you imagine Gene Shalit without a mustache? It is all just a part of the larger face palette for many of us. I can assure you that if you saw me beardless and mustacheless (sp?) you would find me a much hideouser (sp?) man.
BTW, don't forget 'puke' in your next list.