Tricia and I were so idealistic when first becoming parents. We had a strong vision for the types of parents we wanted to be, the relationships we wanted to build with our kids, the types of people we wanted them to grow to be. We (or at least I) thought everything could be carefully planned and executed. Cut-and-dry. Like plugging in a formula.
We prepared for parenthood. We cut back on things like TV and sports and cleaned up our diets. We read parenting books and closely watched other parents that we respected and admired. We looked into daycare possibilities only to decide after being exposed to a number of chain smokers and blaring television sets that one of us should just go ahead and stay at home.
Once Harper was born we started hoarding milk and soon after learned to make our baby food, free of dyes and additives. We rocked and sang and talked and read and hovered. Actually we did a lot of hovering. We were going to prove our worth as parents by spending every waking moment at Harper's side. This would be a decision that would come back to haunt us later (as she struggled to learn to play alone) but parenting is like that - you learn from your own mistakes. You just hope none of them are so big that you, or your child, can't recover.
When our first Christmas as a family rolled around we set a rule for our families: No more than one or two toys. "Buy books or CDs or add a little extra to her college savings," we pleaded, "But don't fill Harper's room, and life, with tons of toys." We didn't feel she needed a life of plenty, but a life of enough. This wasn't necessarily well-received by everyone. No one said anything, at least not verbally, but their body language spoke volumes. People like to buy gifts. I think it's, in part, because they feel kids need them to be happy. We sensed some people may have felt we were depriving our little girl. "The more you spend, the more you have... the happier you will be" is definitely a part of our culture. All of us who have the means live by this motto, if only at varying degrees.
Over the years I feel we've all but given in to this mindset. As we get ready to move to a new house in the coming weeks I look around at all we have accumulated (all of us) in the past ten or fifteen years and it's too much. I wanted so badly for our kids to grow up with a sense of what it is to want for something. Certainly not food, water, or shelter but at least a new this or improved that. I didn't want everything to be at their fingertips or for them to ever feel entitled to anything. Instead, I see that when they are in "need" of something more often than not it is produced rather quickly - and in a shiny new package. This is wrong.
I was reminded of all this yesterday as I sat and listened to a presentation from a teacher who had just finished a three-year teaching stint in Vietnam (see Vietnam Days). She lived there with her husband and two small girls. Near the end of her presentation she showed a photograph of them leaving their apartment. Although she didn't make mention of it, I noticed that their belongings fit into four of five suitcases and a few backpacks. All of it. And yet they all looked awfully happy and fulfilled. From a global perspective they had plenty. From our perspective they maybe had enough.
Ours is a world of multiple belongings that serve the same purpose: computers, i-pads, and wi/fi phones, gaming systems for home play and gaming systems that are portable, collections of guitars that offer not only different sounds but different styles, colors, and finishes, or chairs specialized for the porch, the campfire, and the beach. I'm not saying that any of these these are necessarily wrong or that I don't enjoy some of them. I do.
But I wonder where we draw the line. I wonder when enough becomes plenty and when plenty becomes too much. I wonder when "I want" becomes "I need" and when "I need" becomes "I'm entitled to." I wonder how "I'm entitled to..." shapes our policies and changes how we see and react to the needs of our own community and the world.
There are many times when I think I was naive to ever believe we could create a small vacuum in which accumulating stuff wasn't so important. How could I possibly expect it from anyone else when I continually fall into the same traps myself? I don't, for a second, think that it is necessary, or even noble, to live a life void of the things you want. But I do think there's a line that needs to be drawn, somewhere. There should be a point at which we feel content with what we have.
Perhaps we need to find that point for ourselves before we can even begin to think about teaching it to our kids.
Your title is interesting. I realize that what you've learned came from naivety at one point, but you seem to have a handle on what you hope for for your children. You also seem well aware of the challenges you face in accomplishing this feat of really understanding and helping your kids understand that want, need, entitled to are not all the same idea. I think it would be so difficult to be a parent in America, at least the kind of parents that you and Tricia are trying to be. From my perspective (one without kids), it is even difficult at times to remind myself that I do not absolutely need an iPad or new this or that. I have to work to practice a mindset of seeing distinction between wants and needs.
ReplyDeleteI checked out the Vietnam Days blog, and often wonder what kinds of pressures would exist in that world. How would materialism be different? Would it be different at all? Is it just a matter of means over there? Where would the lines be drawn there?
Sometimes "stuff" is such a personal thing. I feel like I'm constantly trying to thin out the toys in the toy room. (Yes, and entire room devoted to nothing but toys.) However, its a losing battle in our household.
ReplyDeleteScott and I have such different backgrounds. I grew up living in the same house. My parents still live there. I had my own room, and could play with, arrange, or get rid of toys at my own pleasing. Scott shared a room with his brother and moved around A LOT. He remembers never being able to bring the few things he did have. So with our kids, he constantly tries to give them all the things he wished he had but didn't as a kid. I'm certain the hot wheels ramp Eli got for his birthday was given because he felt like Eli really NEEDED it. Because when he was little and really wanted it, he never got it. Years from now we will still have that hot wheels ramp even if nobody plays with it.
This is also why we have an water in the door of our fridge, and why I started driving a min-van before I turned thirty. In Scott's mind, families have lots of toys, and drive a min-van.
I don't think I will ever win this battle at our house.
Heidi and I were much the same way as you guys when we were expecting (although for Devin we only had 6 weeks to expect). We read tons of books and articles, we watched parents, thought about the best of our own parents' childrearing practices. We only got peace toys and quickly got rid of any war toys. Even squirt guns we called squirters. There is always the BIG question of - what do kids come wired with? Where did Devin get his fascination of fast sports cars? Why does Colin wear skinny pants (which he used to make fun of and call "girl pants") which show half his crack when he bends over? At some level kids will be who/what they are gonna be regardless of our best intentions. On the other hand... our best intentions are all we can give. And so we do.
ReplyDeleteI knew that you would respond thoughtfully to Julie and her current musings. I saw her bags in the Power Point slide and thought many similar thoughts. They could get by with so few possessions. To me it would really make clear what is essential. I don't mean the essential stuff of our lives, the people, the relationships, the family, the place. All of that is so much more important then your things.
And still it is all so relative. I have so much more stuff than you. You have so much more stuff than Julie and her family. And she has so much more than most people in the world who make their homes out of the dirt and sticks around them and whose only clothes are the ones they wear. And many of them, in turn, have more than the many refugees who are fleeing wars and who must watch their children cry in hunger.
This makes me ask myself the big question of stewardship. Do I do enough with what I have to ease the suffering of the many who aren't as blessed (lucky) as me? The quick answer is - no. I can always do more. I appreciate your posts - as they make me think.
Of course I also appreciate the ones that make me laugh.
Chris, I can't tell you how happy I am to have read this piece you wrote. I have been confronted with the same reactions from others about giving toys as gifts...mostly family. "Why are you trying to take the fun out of everything? This is HER birthday, not yours!" I, too, had some of the same reasons for not giving in to every want/desire that Alani has, but mainly I did not want her to feel entitled to everything she asked for.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this...as parents, we don't always have it all figured out, despite what we want to believe. Sometimes the small details within the big picture help us, if we give attention to them.
This is my first visit to your blog, but I've checked out a couple of posts by Tricia. Each time I've read, I walked away with new insights about myself as a parent. I appreciate you all sharing part of your lives with the world.