A few weeks ago I shared our obsession with tuning in for just about any show that is based on a subjective rank ordering of music. Or movies. Or...
The whole idea is really pretty dumb other than that it creates a fun opportunity to get angry with society in large for their misguided and unfortunate opinions and tastes. Here is how the top 20 played out...
20. Marvin Gaye
19. U2
A band whose guitarist has the silliest name ever - The Edge. Do people really even call him that? "Uh, The Edge, I was wondering if you might pass the potatoes?" I once passed on a chance to see the Black Crowes, who are a very cool band despite not making this list, in a very small theater so that I could see U2 at Busch Stadium in downtown St. Louis during the Zoo TV tour. There were thousands of people, terrible acoustics, monstrously large TV screens on stage, and a "spontaneous" call to Washington DC so that Bono (another goofy name) could speak his mind to some random White House operator. Hoaky? Yes. Great concert? Definitely. And I was fortunate enough to catch the Black Crowes about five years later.
18. Pink Floyd
17. Queen
One of my all-time favorite bands. But I'd really like to know where "Bohemian Rhapsody" came from. I mean, how do you even start writing something like that? "So fellas, I was thinking maybe an operatic piece for this one!"
16. Madonna
15. The Beach Boys
14. Nirvana
I was shocked they were this high given they only had three or four albums. A few days later I went back and listened to "Nevermind" and was reminded that there's not a single song worth skipping. That's pretty impressive.
13. The Who
12. David Bowie
11. Bob Marley
10. Stevie Wonder
9. James Brown
I was really hoping they'd show that scene from "Rocky 4" and sure enough they did. However, they somehow failed to show the mug shot. That's a shame. I have a feeling James Brown just might be A BIT of a jerk.
8. Elvis Presley
7. Prince
I once had a music professor say that Prince was every bit as important in music history as Mozart. And this was coming from the mouth of someone who loved classical music and directed the university's operas. Am I missing something?
6. Jimi Hendrix
Another artist I think I like yet never really want to listen to. Outside of "Little Wing" and "The Wind Cries Mary" there aren't any other songs that would keep me from hitting skip.
5. Bob Dylan
4. The Rolling Stones
3. Led Zeppelin
2. Michael Jackson
1. The Beatles
How is it The Beatles were only together for ten years? They must have written about a bazillion songs each year!
So when the show was over I started playing around with the idea of my own subjective rankings. Here are a few I came up with...
Top Five Artists Left Off the Original List
5. The Byrds
4. Roy Orbison
3. Red Hot Chili Peppers
2.Woody Guthrie
1. Eric Clapton
How do you leave Eric Clapton off that list? Sure, Cream made it in somewhere but he's been inducted into the R&R Hall of Fame THREE times. That's crazy!
Top Five Favorite Movies
5. Wonder Boys
4. Bottle Rocket
3. Lone Star
2. Little Miss Sunshine
1. The Big Lebowski
"The Dude abides."
Bottom Five Movies
5. Simon Birch
4. Anything starring Pauly Shore
3. The Cutting Edge
2. With Honors
1. Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
Top Five Favorite Books (for adults)
5. On The Road
4. Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
3. Malcolm X
2. A Prayer for Owen Meany
1. To Kill a Mockingbird
It's no coincidence that two of my least favorite movies just happen to show up on my favorite book list.
Top Five Favorite Books (chapter books written for kids but still great for adults)
5. Love That Dog
4. Entire Harry Potter Series
3. Missing May
2. Ruby Holler
1. Charlotte's Web
Top Five Favorite Books (picture books written for kids but still great for adults)
5. Mr. George Baker
4. Letting Swift River Go
3. Roxaboxen
2. The Relatives Came
1. All the Places to Love
Top Ten Beatles Songs
10. When I'm Sixty Four
9. Norwegian Wood
8. I'm Only Sleeping
7. Come Together
6. In My Life
5. Strawberry Fields Forever
4. A Day in the Life
3. Something
2. Let It Be
1. Hey Jude
I tried to do a top 5 but couldn't make a number of the necessary cuts so I broadened it to the top 10.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Swimming with Sharks
There are certain things in life that very few people, if any, ever seem to enjoy. Visiting the dentist. Receiving mail from the IRS. Seeing the doctor reach for a latex glove.These experiences are so universally terrible that they often become the subject of sarcastic statements such as: "Oh I'd love to spend our final week of vacation this year visiting your Aunt Edna May. I imagine it'll be about as much fun as a root canal!"
However, there's a certain camaraderie that comes from shared misery. Who doesn't like to playfully gripe with friends, or even strangers, about lengthy traffic jams or aggravating phone solicitations? If nothing else, these experiences pull us together as they provide a common foe.
I had the opportunity last night to enjoy one such experience. A visit to the car dealership. The lease on our van will soon expire and we were contacted by Dodgeland of Columbia to bring it in so that they could inspect it. I suspected they would want to check the mileage, look for excessive scratches or dents, and check to make certain the engine was running smoothly. While I can't say that this was necessarily how I wanted to spend the Friday night of what had been a long and exhausting week, the dealership didn't offer weekend appointments so I had little choice.
I can't say that it was the visit to the dealership, though, that had me bummed out. While I would have loved to have a relaxing night at home, I kind of enjoyed the prospect of meeting with the salesman to figure out whether we should purchase our leased van outright or look into buying a new one. Ugh, what kind of person enjoys doing business with a car salesman? Me, evidently.
It wasn't always this way. Our first few car purchases were from a Saturn dealership in St. Louis. Saturn offered a "no haggle" policy and had some of the friendliest salesmen you could ever imagine - each costumed in matching pairs of casual khakis and a polo shirt. When each of our "college" cars gave out (mine an old sputtering Pontiac hatchback and Tricia's a Ford Escort) we made an appointment with the very same salesman - Gary Tamme. We appreciated the opportunity to find a car without having to worry about being taken advantage of - or at least being taken any more advantage of than every other customer.
A few years passed and Harper was born. Not long afterward I quit my teaching gig to stay home and play Mr. Mom, also babysitting a friend's baby to help make ends meet. Then came Ainsley. Just a few months later we started the process of bringing Ty home and it quickly became obvious that our two little Saturns were no longer going to get it done. There were kids everywhere! Although the thought of driving a minivan was less than enticing it was, none-the-less, a necessity.
Since we didn't really have the money for a new van we searched the internet for a used one. After a few weeks of searching we found a couple we liked on Car Soup and drove out to see them. We opted for the Caravan and pretty much paid full asking price from the guy who was selling it. His asking price was pretty consistent with what the Kelly Blue Book said it was worth and we weren't much in the practice of negotiating deals anyway. It was probably a good thing we didn't have the money for a new van because a real salesman would have taken us for all we're worth.
A few years later we moved to Columbia and found ourselves in need of a car -again. I researched and researched and found out that buying a car at a dealership didn't actually have to be all that bad of an experience. In fact, it could be fun. And fair.
I found out how much the dealerships pay for the cars. I learned how much other car buyers here in South Carolina were paying on average for the same cars we were looking at. I read about the subtle scams that dealerships sometimes try to pull to get anywhere from a few extra hundred to a few extra thousand dollars. I printed all this out, slipped it into a folder, and visited the Honda dealership knowing, already, exactly which car I wanted and how much I would pay for it. Amazingly, it worked!
So heading over to Greystone Boulevard this past Friday I didn't feel too bad. I knew we had leverage (we could buy the leased van, look at a new Dodge, or completely walk away and look at other dealerships). I also knew that times are really bad for car sales and that the dealership would (I hope) be much more focused on pleasing the customer and moving cars than turning people away with underhanded practices.
The first thing I expected as I pulled in to the lot and stepped out of the van was to be smothered by a salesman before I even hit the sidewalk. However, after tidying up the van (stashing a slew of broken crayons, pencils, and toys under the seats) I hopped out of the van and noone was there to hassle me. I was shocked.
I made it inside the doors until finally someone came over and asked if I needed any help. It turned out to be the salesman, Eric, that I had an appointment with. Eric was an older African American guy who insisted on calling me "Mr. Chris" - think Morgan Freeman saying "Come on now Ms. Daisy. Let me drive you down to the Piggly Wiggly!" I wasn't real comfortable with the whole Mr. Chris thing but let it go on too long to comfortably protest.
Eric sat down with me and laid out all the financials of my options. He explained the fees associated with turning the van back in (a $500 fee for having replaced two tires and a $450 fee for giving it back), gave me the price for buying the van outright ($12,500), and offered to show me a new model that closely matched our current van. He spent about two minutes asking if I'd like to upgrade to video monitors or automatic sliding doors but quit rather quickly after I provided him my "I don't like cell phones, video games, or devices designed for lazy people" speech.
He showed me a new van that was exactly like ours except that it had a roof rack and Satellite radio. I saw on the sticker that it was $25, 540. However, there was also a side sticker with other charges that brought the price up to around $29,000. When we came back in to his office, which was no more of a barren cubicle with his nameplate sitting on a non-descript file cabinet, he went off to speak with his manager. I sat and wrote down everything he had said to me up to this point and recorded all the important figures. A little later he came back and explained that they were offering a $1500 rebate for returning customers as well as 0% financing on five year loans or 1.9% for six year loans. Careful never to share an actual sales price, he explained that our monthly payment would be very similar to our current lease payment.
I sat and thought about that. I had read that this was a common trick. Salesmen share monthly payments which allow them to add costs in by stretching out the term of your loan, thus keeping your payment low.
"Okay," I said. "I have a question."
"Shoot," he said.
"Is this monthly payment calculated on the $25,540 I saw on the sticker or the $29,000 based on the other costs on that side sticker? Because I've never had to pay the price on that side sticker before."
He paused and then started laughing really hard. It kind of took me by surprise because I wasn't sure if he was attempting to laugh with me or at me.
"That's a good question Mr. Chris," he bellowed. "A very good question! I'll be right back."
He went to the cubicle next door and I could overhear him recounting the conversation with his boss. Soon he came back and showed me that these monthly payments had been calculated based on a selling price of $24,040. This was the $25,540 on the original sticker minus the promised rebate. I couldn't believe it. He didn't even try to get me to purchase it for the higher listed price.
"You go on home and talk about it with your wife and call me in the morning to let me know what you want to do, either way," he said. "But the 0% financing ends on the 30th which is next Thursday so you probably want to make a decision soon."
I thanked him and drove back home. At first I felt as though I had really accomplished something. I knew we could buy the lease van and have it paid off in just a few years or get the new van, pay a very fair price, and feel comfortable that it would last us the next ten years - at which time we'd no longer need a van.
But then reality hit me. Wait a minute, I thought. I didn't negotiate anything. I was so surprised that he was offering a price lower than what I had anticipated that I gladly accepted his offer as fair. I was pretty sure I'd been fooled.
I came home and Tricia and I discussed it. We thought a new van made a lot of sense because we would save about $3000 in financing costs and purchase the "last minivan of our lives." I went back to the computer and researched some more. I found out that Dodge was the only dealership offering a financing incentive (worth thousands of dollars over five or six years) and that other dealerships didn't allow customers to use both a rebate AND financing incentive in combination. It was usually an either/or.
I searched to see how much people in our area pay for the minivan he showed me and it was $23, 522. This was about $500 less than what the deal I thought I was getting. My heart dropped a bit. I thought this was all going to be so easy.
The next morning he called as soon as he got into the office and I told him about the price difference. He told me he'd talk with his manager and after about two or three more calls he agreed to the lower price, the rebate, and the 0% financing. It all worked out.
Tricia and I went in on Saturday and left a little over an hour later with our new van. There was no last minute sales pitch for an extended warranty or undercoating or any of those other add ons. They just had us test drive the van, sign the papers, and walk out.
So perhaps there's hope. If buying a new car can be so pain free maybe we can begin to expect more from our universal adversaries. Maybe we can even expect a Christmas card this year from the IRS. With a fat check inside.
However, there's a certain camaraderie that comes from shared misery. Who doesn't like to playfully gripe with friends, or even strangers, about lengthy traffic jams or aggravating phone solicitations? If nothing else, these experiences pull us together as they provide a common foe.
I had the opportunity last night to enjoy one such experience. A visit to the car dealership. The lease on our van will soon expire and we were contacted by Dodgeland of Columbia to bring it in so that they could inspect it. I suspected they would want to check the mileage, look for excessive scratches or dents, and check to make certain the engine was running smoothly. While I can't say that this was necessarily how I wanted to spend the Friday night of what had been a long and exhausting week, the dealership didn't offer weekend appointments so I had little choice.
I can't say that it was the visit to the dealership, though, that had me bummed out. While I would have loved to have a relaxing night at home, I kind of enjoyed the prospect of meeting with the salesman to figure out whether we should purchase our leased van outright or look into buying a new one. Ugh, what kind of person enjoys doing business with a car salesman? Me, evidently.
It wasn't always this way. Our first few car purchases were from a Saturn dealership in St. Louis. Saturn offered a "no haggle" policy and had some of the friendliest salesmen you could ever imagine - each costumed in matching pairs of casual khakis and a polo shirt. When each of our "college" cars gave out (mine an old sputtering Pontiac hatchback and Tricia's a Ford Escort) we made an appointment with the very same salesman - Gary Tamme. We appreciated the opportunity to find a car without having to worry about being taken advantage of - or at least being taken any more advantage of than every other customer.
A few years passed and Harper was born. Not long afterward I quit my teaching gig to stay home and play Mr. Mom, also babysitting a friend's baby to help make ends meet. Then came Ainsley. Just a few months later we started the process of bringing Ty home and it quickly became obvious that our two little Saturns were no longer going to get it done. There were kids everywhere! Although the thought of driving a minivan was less than enticing it was, none-the-less, a necessity.
Since we didn't really have the money for a new van we searched the internet for a used one. After a few weeks of searching we found a couple we liked on Car Soup and drove out to see them. We opted for the Caravan and pretty much paid full asking price from the guy who was selling it. His asking price was pretty consistent with what the Kelly Blue Book said it was worth and we weren't much in the practice of negotiating deals anyway. It was probably a good thing we didn't have the money for a new van because a real salesman would have taken us for all we're worth.
A few years later we moved to Columbia and found ourselves in need of a car -again. I researched and researched and found out that buying a car at a dealership didn't actually have to be all that bad of an experience. In fact, it could be fun. And fair.
I found out how much the dealerships pay for the cars. I learned how much other car buyers here in South Carolina were paying on average for the same cars we were looking at. I read about the subtle scams that dealerships sometimes try to pull to get anywhere from a few extra hundred to a few extra thousand dollars. I printed all this out, slipped it into a folder, and visited the Honda dealership knowing, already, exactly which car I wanted and how much I would pay for it. Amazingly, it worked!
So heading over to Greystone Boulevard this past Friday I didn't feel too bad. I knew we had leverage (we could buy the leased van, look at a new Dodge, or completely walk away and look at other dealerships). I also knew that times are really bad for car sales and that the dealership would (I hope) be much more focused on pleasing the customer and moving cars than turning people away with underhanded practices.
The first thing I expected as I pulled in to the lot and stepped out of the van was to be smothered by a salesman before I even hit the sidewalk. However, after tidying up the van (stashing a slew of broken crayons, pencils, and toys under the seats) I hopped out of the van and noone was there to hassle me. I was shocked.
I made it inside the doors until finally someone came over and asked if I needed any help. It turned out to be the salesman, Eric, that I had an appointment with. Eric was an older African American guy who insisted on calling me "Mr. Chris" - think Morgan Freeman saying "Come on now Ms. Daisy. Let me drive you down to the Piggly Wiggly!" I wasn't real comfortable with the whole Mr. Chris thing but let it go on too long to comfortably protest.
Eric sat down with me and laid out all the financials of my options. He explained the fees associated with turning the van back in (a $500 fee for having replaced two tires and a $450 fee for giving it back), gave me the price for buying the van outright ($12,500), and offered to show me a new model that closely matched our current van. He spent about two minutes asking if I'd like to upgrade to video monitors or automatic sliding doors but quit rather quickly after I provided him my "I don't like cell phones, video games, or devices designed for lazy people" speech.
He showed me a new van that was exactly like ours except that it had a roof rack and Satellite radio. I saw on the sticker that it was $25, 540. However, there was also a side sticker with other charges that brought the price up to around $29,000. When we came back in to his office, which was no more of a barren cubicle with his nameplate sitting on a non-descript file cabinet, he went off to speak with his manager. I sat and wrote down everything he had said to me up to this point and recorded all the important figures. A little later he came back and explained that they were offering a $1500 rebate for returning customers as well as 0% financing on five year loans or 1.9% for six year loans. Careful never to share an actual sales price, he explained that our monthly payment would be very similar to our current lease payment.
I sat and thought about that. I had read that this was a common trick. Salesmen share monthly payments which allow them to add costs in by stretching out the term of your loan, thus keeping your payment low.
"Okay," I said. "I have a question."
"Shoot," he said.
"Is this monthly payment calculated on the $25,540 I saw on the sticker or the $29,000 based on the other costs on that side sticker? Because I've never had to pay the price on that side sticker before."
He paused and then started laughing really hard. It kind of took me by surprise because I wasn't sure if he was attempting to laugh with me or at me.
"That's a good question Mr. Chris," he bellowed. "A very good question! I'll be right back."
He went to the cubicle next door and I could overhear him recounting the conversation with his boss. Soon he came back and showed me that these monthly payments had been calculated based on a selling price of $24,040. This was the $25,540 on the original sticker minus the promised rebate. I couldn't believe it. He didn't even try to get me to purchase it for the higher listed price.
"You go on home and talk about it with your wife and call me in the morning to let me know what you want to do, either way," he said. "But the 0% financing ends on the 30th which is next Thursday so you probably want to make a decision soon."
I thanked him and drove back home. At first I felt as though I had really accomplished something. I knew we could buy the lease van and have it paid off in just a few years or get the new van, pay a very fair price, and feel comfortable that it would last us the next ten years - at which time we'd no longer need a van.
But then reality hit me. Wait a minute, I thought. I didn't negotiate anything. I was so surprised that he was offering a price lower than what I had anticipated that I gladly accepted his offer as fair. I was pretty sure I'd been fooled.
I came home and Tricia and I discussed it. We thought a new van made a lot of sense because we would save about $3000 in financing costs and purchase the "last minivan of our lives." I went back to the computer and researched some more. I found out that Dodge was the only dealership offering a financing incentive (worth thousands of dollars over five or six years) and that other dealerships didn't allow customers to use both a rebate AND financing incentive in combination. It was usually an either/or.
I searched to see how much people in our area pay for the minivan he showed me and it was $23, 522. This was about $500 less than what the deal I thought I was getting. My heart dropped a bit. I thought this was all going to be so easy.
The next morning he called as soon as he got into the office and I told him about the price difference. He told me he'd talk with his manager and after about two or three more calls he agreed to the lower price, the rebate, and the 0% financing. It all worked out.
Tricia and I went in on Saturday and left a little over an hour later with our new van. There was no last minute sales pitch for an extended warranty or undercoating or any of those other add ons. They just had us test drive the van, sign the papers, and walk out.
So perhaps there's hope. If buying a new car can be so pain free maybe we can begin to expect more from our universal adversaries. Maybe we can even expect a Christmas card this year from the IRS. With a fat check inside.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Searching for a Sign
Ainsley recently celebrated her seventh birthday. She invited a few friends over from school and from the neighborhood to play in her room, watch a movie, and sleep over. The running deal with each of the kids is that they can invite four or five friends over for their birthday - four for the boys and five for the girls. This may seem unfair but we've long observed that girls are much quieter - and gentler on our house - than boys. To further remedy this Muluken's last birthday sleepover was a "campout" in the backyard. The boys set up a tent near the garden in the back of our yard and despite the fact that the windows were closed, the air conditioner was running, and we had the television on, we could still hear them out there.
The boys' and girls' parties differ in one other way too - the unwrapping of the gifts. While the boys tear open one gift after another, paying no attention to the cards attached or who they are even from, the girls seem to read over each card carefully, smile, and offer a sincere thanks.
I can't blame the boys too much for this, though. I really don't like birthday cards either. I only half-heartedly read them. Then there's the question of how long I will have to keep the cards before dropping them into the recycling bin.
Perhaps the reason I don't like cards is that they're not very personal. If it were a blank card with a personal message, written from the heart, it would be one thing. Or if it were funny or wildly inappropriate (I once gave my sister a "Sorry your dog died" card for her birthday - demonstrating humor that evidently not many people find all that funny).
But what cards offer, instead, are corny poems and saccharine passages intended for every man - literally. It could easily be argued that greeting cards represent some of the worst writing to be found. And I would probably agree with this, too. At least, I would if there were no such thing as church signs.
Growing up in Granite City, Illinois, there were churches on nearly every corner. While most felt secure using their signs out front to advertise upcoming events and services, there were a dedicated few who reserved the use of the sign for messages. Some were inspirational, others were funny, a few were somewhat frightening, and many others were beyond my ability to understand.
Yet as bad as church sign messages often are I can't stop from reading them. It's like slowing to gawk at a car accident - you don't really want to see it but you're kinda curious.
So, with that in mind, I offer a few favorites and un-favorites...
Corny/Almost Too Predictable
God Answers Knee-Mail
Get rich quick. Count your blessings!
Forbidden fruit creates many jams
God wants full custody not just a weekend visit.
Fight Truth Decay...Study The Bible Daily
God grades on the cross, not on the curve
Autumn leaves - Jesus doesn't
Need a lifeguard? Ours walks on water!
Down in the mouth? It’s time for a faith lift
We'll Scare You Into Going to Church
A fire is HOT. The Sun is HOTTER. Hell will be the HOTTEST
A bad day at work is better than a good day in hell.
If you think it's hot now, just wait
ETERNITY: smoking, or non-smoking?
Too Long or Difficult to Understand While Driving
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.
Coming soon: Manufacturers recall. Are you ready???
Gives Me the Creeps
God: The perfect lover
Really? You thought THAT was a good idea?
A good place for the "buck to stop" is at the collection plate.
Trying Too Hard to be Hip
Always remember that Hell is un-cool
Get off facebook and take out faith book
Stealing From Others (or: "Breaking our own commandments")
Got Jesus?
God is like Allstate, you’re in good hands
God is like Coca-Cola, he’s the real thing
Huh?
If man came from apes... Why are there still apes?
Kind of Clever
Google can't satisfy every search
God expects spiritual fruit, not religious nuts
Actually Pretty Funny
Now open between Easter and Christmas!
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him.
FREE bread and juice inside!!!
Church. Cheaper than NFL tickets.
And then there's my favorite of them all...
"Cant sleep? Come hear a sermon."
Friday, September 10, 2010
The List
Tricia and I were once very addicted to television. It didn't matter what was on; chances were we'd watch it. It was sometimes due to boredom. But more often it was just pure laziness.
This was before we had kids. We'd spend a significant part of each evening staring at the tube. Among our favorite channels in those days was VH-1. We spent countless hours watching Behind the Music documentaries on memorable acts such as Leif Garrett, Milli Vanilli, Billy Idol, Vanilla Ice, and The Carpenters (who probably don't fully deserve to be lumped into this group). Much like Law & Order, BTM was formulaic and we knew what to expect: drugs, success, more drugs, break-ups, even more drugs. Toward the end there would be mention of a past-their-prime reunion in which the voice-over would claim that the band/artist was still touring. But you knew for a fact it was probably at a county fair or some small town casino.
Another VH-1favorite or ours was the "100 Greatest..." series. Again, it didn't matter what it was so long as there was going to be an arbitrary ranking involved. There were so many of these lists it was hard to keep them straight: 100 greatest bands, 100 greatest songs, 100 greatest heavy metal groups, 100 greatest power balads, 100 greatest songs of the 80s, 90s, and on and on. Many were genres of music we didn't even like or know anything about but, still, we had to find out who would be #1. If our predictions were correct we somehow felt vindicated and if we were wrong we would be outraged.
"Damn straight Welcome to the Jungle is the #1 hard rock song of all time! But what morons voted The Who's We Won't Get Fooled Again at #6? They're not even a heavy metal band!!!"
Maybe that's why we watched the lists. Just to argue.
We knew we had a problem. So about the time we found out we were going to be parents we decided to stop watching VH-1. Well, actually we decided to stop watching all the channels. We unplugged the TV and stored it away under a workbench in the basement. I can still remember calling to cancel our Direct TV account.
"We want to cancel our account."
"Would it help if we reduced your bill?"
"No. We don't have a TV anymore."
"I could knock ten dollars off."
"No. We don't have a TV. I couldn't watch it anyway."
"How about fifteen dollars? Would that make a difference?"
After a few years we eventually brought the TV back up but refused to get cable or a sattelite. I feared we'd fall back into old patterns. Over the years, though, we've returned to the mainstream. We now have a TV and are back in Direct TV's good graces. We even have a dew-hicky on the remote that will record programs for us. But we don't have VH-1 - at least not programmed our channel list. It's still there somewhere, though. Lurking. Waiting for us to return. But we resist.
However, this past week our battle proved futile. We were checking to see what had programs had been saved (expecting to find the Daily Show or Tosh.0) only to see that our friend Tim had recorded VH-1's "100 Greatest Artists." A five-hour program dedicated to rank ordering a diverse group of musicians from bluesman to hip hop artists to heavy metal groups to folkies to rappers. No Mozart though. He didn't make the top 100. Neither did Miles Davis.
I know this because Tricia and I have been dedicating 40 minutes each night (the recording dew-hicky allows us to skip the commercials - which by itself is worth the $5/month) to finding out what these a**holes got wrong. And be rest assured, they got plenty wrong.
Here's the list so far (as well as a sampling of the many rants I direct at the TV when watching) ...
100 Alicia Keys
99 Hall & Oates
98 Depeche Mode
"Depeche Mode? They had one song anyone's ever even heard of! Oh, I know that one. That one, too. Wow, and that one. Holy cow they have a lot of good songs!"
97 Pretenders
96 Journey
"I don't care what they say...Journey sucks!"
95 OutKast
94 Mariah Carey (the only artist we fast forwarded through)
93 Pearl Jam
"Damn straight, Pearly Jam! But why are they only playing songs from their first album - eighteen years ago?"
92 LL Cool J
91 Green Day
90 Elvis Costello
"Seriously? I don't know any of these songs!"
89 Beastie Boys
"Why is it that I don't own every Beastie Boys album ever made?"
88 Bee Gees
"How can the Bee Gees be this low? I'm not a huge fan but seriously - they had a lot of #1's, wrote tons of songs for other artists, and weren't afraid to highlight the chest hair."
87 George Michael
86 N.W.A.
85 The Band
84 Curtis Mayfield
"Over-rated. If you can't find three good songs from an entire career to play then how could he possibly be in the top 100?"
83 Earth, Wind and Fire
82 Steely Dan
81 ABBA
80 Mary J. Blige
79 Eminem
78 Judas Priest
77 Lynyrd Skynyrd
76 Run-D.M.C.
75 Rush
74 The Cure
"Who did The Cure pay to get on this list. I liked them and all (even attending a concert in full Goth get-up as a joke) but #74? Really? Did you see Hall and Oates were #100?)
73 Van Morrison
72 Janis Joplin
71 R.E.M.
"One of my five favorite bands of all time."
70 Def Leppard
69 Tupac Shakur
68 Otis Redding
67 Coldplay
66 Justin Timberlake (Spits beverage from mouth and clutches chest)
"You hear that Elizabeth honey? I'm comin' to join you!"
65 The Doors
"I really want to like the Doors - and do. Yet I'm never in a mood to listen to them."
64 Talking Heads
63 Notorious B.I.G.
62 Genesis
61 Cream
60 Whitney Houston
"I hope they don't play that damn song from...ugh, that's the one."
59 Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
"I was at a party a few months ago and someone told me I look a little like Tom Petty. I don't think that's a compliment!"
58 Cheap Trick
"Hey, how did one good song get these jokers in the top 60?"
57 Iggy and The Stooges
"I must be missing something. This music sucks and that guy really needs to get a shirt on!"
56 KISS
"Thank God KISS didn't crack the top 50. I'd probably stop watching."
55 Peter Gabriel
"Peter Gabriel's great if you're ever in the mood to listen to a bunch of ten minute songs."
54 Public Enemy
"Fight the Power!"
53 Little Richard (Okay, I was wrong. We fast-forwarded this one too. LR thinks A LOT of himself!)
52 Beyoncé
51 Billy Joel
"One ugly man."
50 Sade
"Who? Didn't she have that ONE song a long, long time ago?"
49 Parliament-Funkadelic
"Why are there like fifty people on the stage? With that many band members you'd think they could write more than one good song."
48 Rage Against The Machine
"Hell yeah, Rage Against the Maching! Rally around the family, with a pocket full of shells!"
47 Jay-Z
46 Ramones
"I'll have to take you're word for it that these guys are good. Green Day is way up there at #91 and about a million times better."
45 Al Green
44 Joni Mitchell
"In two minutes of this clip they can't play a single track from before 2000? I don't even know this song? She still sings?"
43 Ray Charles
42 Metallica
41 Van Halen
"Van Halen is above Metallica? I'm not listening to either one but seriously...it's Metallica!"
40 The Police
39 The Kinks
38 Sly and The Family Stone
37 Fleetwood Mac
"How can they have so many great songs yet I never feel compelled to listen to any of them? Well, except for Landslide."
36 Paul McCartney
"I've got no problem with this. If anything, he might be a little too high."
35 Johnny Cash
"No way there's going to be 34 better artists than Johnny Cash!!!!!"
34 Tina Turner
33 Guns N’ Roses
"Lack of longevity. Otherwise they have to be top ten or fifteen."
32 Black Sabbath
31 John Lennon
"31? ... 31? Who the hell is going to beat John Lennon?"
30 Aerosmith
"Aerosmith just beat John Lennon? Where's the freakin' remote?"
29 Radiohead
"Ha, I love Radiohead but #29? All their new music is techno crap noone wants to listen to. Why the hell would such a great band give up on guitars and drums?"
28 Elton John
"Nice glasses."
27 Aretha Franklin
26 Neil Young
"Should have been top ten. By the way, I hate that Rockin' in the Free World song."
25 Chuck Berry
24 The Velvet Underground
"Sure Nico had a voice unlike any other. It was terrible. Other people who sound like her generally avoid recording it on vinyl."
23 AC/DC
"They did this list twelve years ago and AC/DC wasn't even on it. Now they're #23? I'm starting think these lists aren't real credible!"
22 The Clash
21 Bruce Springsteen
20 Marvin Gaye
So who were the top 20? We'll find out in about 40 minutes. My top five are going to be: (5) Eric Clapton, (4) Bob Dylan, (3) Michael Jackson, (2) Elvis Presley, and (1) The Beatles.
And if the Beatles and Elvis are not #1 and 2 then I swear this is the last of these lists I'll ever watch.
This was before we had kids. We'd spend a significant part of each evening staring at the tube. Among our favorite channels in those days was VH-1. We spent countless hours watching Behind the Music documentaries on memorable acts such as Leif Garrett, Milli Vanilli, Billy Idol, Vanilla Ice, and The Carpenters (who probably don't fully deserve to be lumped into this group). Much like Law & Order, BTM was formulaic and we knew what to expect: drugs, success, more drugs, break-ups, even more drugs. Toward the end there would be mention of a past-their-prime reunion in which the voice-over would claim that the band/artist was still touring. But you knew for a fact it was probably at a county fair or some small town casino.
Another VH-1favorite or ours was the "100 Greatest..." series. Again, it didn't matter what it was so long as there was going to be an arbitrary ranking involved. There were so many of these lists it was hard to keep them straight: 100 greatest bands, 100 greatest songs, 100 greatest heavy metal groups, 100 greatest power balads, 100 greatest songs of the 80s, 90s, and on and on. Many were genres of music we didn't even like or know anything about but, still, we had to find out who would be #1. If our predictions were correct we somehow felt vindicated and if we were wrong we would be outraged.
"Damn straight Welcome to the Jungle is the #1 hard rock song of all time! But what morons voted The Who's We Won't Get Fooled Again at #6? They're not even a heavy metal band!!!"
Maybe that's why we watched the lists. Just to argue.
We knew we had a problem. So about the time we found out we were going to be parents we decided to stop watching VH-1. Well, actually we decided to stop watching all the channels. We unplugged the TV and stored it away under a workbench in the basement. I can still remember calling to cancel our Direct TV account.
"We want to cancel our account."
"Would it help if we reduced your bill?"
"No. We don't have a TV anymore."
"I could knock ten dollars off."
"No. We don't have a TV. I couldn't watch it anyway."
"How about fifteen dollars? Would that make a difference?"
After a few years we eventually brought the TV back up but refused to get cable or a sattelite. I feared we'd fall back into old patterns. Over the years, though, we've returned to the mainstream. We now have a TV and are back in Direct TV's good graces. We even have a dew-hicky on the remote that will record programs for us. But we don't have VH-1 - at least not programmed our channel list. It's still there somewhere, though. Lurking. Waiting for us to return. But we resist.
However, this past week our battle proved futile. We were checking to see what had programs had been saved (expecting to find the Daily Show or Tosh.0) only to see that our friend Tim had recorded VH-1's "100 Greatest Artists." A five-hour program dedicated to rank ordering a diverse group of musicians from bluesman to hip hop artists to heavy metal groups to folkies to rappers. No Mozart though. He didn't make the top 100. Neither did Miles Davis.
I know this because Tricia and I have been dedicating 40 minutes each night (the recording dew-hicky allows us to skip the commercials - which by itself is worth the $5/month) to finding out what these a**holes got wrong. And be rest assured, they got plenty wrong.
Here's the list so far (as well as a sampling of the many rants I direct at the TV when watching) ...
100 Alicia Keys
99 Hall & Oates
98 Depeche Mode
"Depeche Mode? They had one song anyone's ever even heard of! Oh, I know that one. That one, too. Wow, and that one. Holy cow they have a lot of good songs!"
97 Pretenders
96 Journey
"I don't care what they say...Journey sucks!"
95 OutKast
94 Mariah Carey (the only artist we fast forwarded through)
93 Pearl Jam
"Damn straight, Pearly Jam! But why are they only playing songs from their first album - eighteen years ago?"
92 LL Cool J
91 Green Day
90 Elvis Costello
"Seriously? I don't know any of these songs!"
89 Beastie Boys
"Why is it that I don't own every Beastie Boys album ever made?"
88 Bee Gees
"How can the Bee Gees be this low? I'm not a huge fan but seriously - they had a lot of #1's, wrote tons of songs for other artists, and weren't afraid to highlight the chest hair."
87 George Michael
86 N.W.A.
85 The Band
84 Curtis Mayfield
"Over-rated. If you can't find three good songs from an entire career to play then how could he possibly be in the top 100?"
83 Earth, Wind and Fire
82 Steely Dan
81 ABBA
80 Mary J. Blige
79 Eminem
78 Judas Priest
77 Lynyrd Skynyrd
76 Run-D.M.C.
75 Rush
74 The Cure
"Who did The Cure pay to get on this list. I liked them and all (even attending a concert in full Goth get-up as a joke) but #74? Really? Did you see Hall and Oates were #100?)
73 Van Morrison
72 Janis Joplin
71 R.E.M.
"One of my five favorite bands of all time."
70 Def Leppard
69 Tupac Shakur
68 Otis Redding
67 Coldplay
66 Justin Timberlake (Spits beverage from mouth and clutches chest)
"You hear that Elizabeth honey? I'm comin' to join you!"
65 The Doors
"I really want to like the Doors - and do. Yet I'm never in a mood to listen to them."
64 Talking Heads
63 Notorious B.I.G.
62 Genesis
61 Cream
60 Whitney Houston
"I hope they don't play that damn song from...ugh, that's the one."
59 Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
"I was at a party a few months ago and someone told me I look a little like Tom Petty. I don't think that's a compliment!"
58 Cheap Trick
"Hey, how did one good song get these jokers in the top 60?"
57 Iggy and The Stooges
"I must be missing something. This music sucks and that guy really needs to get a shirt on!"
56 KISS
"Thank God KISS didn't crack the top 50. I'd probably stop watching."
55 Peter Gabriel
"Peter Gabriel's great if you're ever in the mood to listen to a bunch of ten minute songs."
54 Public Enemy
"Fight the Power!"
53 Little Richard (Okay, I was wrong. We fast-forwarded this one too. LR thinks A LOT of himself!)
52 Beyoncé
51 Billy Joel
"One ugly man."
50 Sade
"Who? Didn't she have that ONE song a long, long time ago?"
49 Parliament-Funkadelic
"Why are there like fifty people on the stage? With that many band members you'd think they could write more than one good song."
48 Rage Against The Machine
"Hell yeah, Rage Against the Maching! Rally around the family, with a pocket full of shells!"
47 Jay-Z
46 Ramones
"I'll have to take you're word for it that these guys are good. Green Day is way up there at #91 and about a million times better."
45 Al Green
44 Joni Mitchell
"In two minutes of this clip they can't play a single track from before 2000? I don't even know this song? She still sings?"
43 Ray Charles
42 Metallica
41 Van Halen
"Van Halen is above Metallica? I'm not listening to either one but seriously...it's Metallica!"
40 The Police
39 The Kinks
38 Sly and The Family Stone
37 Fleetwood Mac
"How can they have so many great songs yet I never feel compelled to listen to any of them? Well, except for Landslide."
36 Paul McCartney
"I've got no problem with this. If anything, he might be a little too high."
35 Johnny Cash
"No way there's going to be 34 better artists than Johnny Cash!!!!!"
34 Tina Turner
33 Guns N’ Roses
"Lack of longevity. Otherwise they have to be top ten or fifteen."
32 Black Sabbath
31 John Lennon
"31? ... 31? Who the hell is going to beat John Lennon?"
30 Aerosmith
"Aerosmith just beat John Lennon? Where's the freakin' remote?"
29 Radiohead
"Ha, I love Radiohead but #29? All their new music is techno crap noone wants to listen to. Why the hell would such a great band give up on guitars and drums?"
28 Elton John
"Nice glasses."
27 Aretha Franklin
26 Neil Young
"Should have been top ten. By the way, I hate that Rockin' in the Free World song."
25 Chuck Berry
24 The Velvet Underground
"Sure Nico had a voice unlike any other. It was terrible. Other people who sound like her generally avoid recording it on vinyl."
23 AC/DC
"They did this list twelve years ago and AC/DC wasn't even on it. Now they're #23? I'm starting think these lists aren't real credible!"
22 The Clash
21 Bruce Springsteen
20 Marvin Gaye
So who were the top 20? We'll find out in about 40 minutes. My top five are going to be: (5) Eric Clapton, (4) Bob Dylan, (3) Michael Jackson, (2) Elvis Presley, and (1) The Beatles.
And if the Beatles and Elvis are not #1 and 2 then I swear this is the last of these lists I'll ever watch.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Careful What You Wish For
A few nights ago Tricia and I were in the bathroom getting ready for bed. Engaged in the nightly choreography of brushing, spitting, and rinsing from the same sink she suddenly reached down and snatched something from the top of my head.
"Ha," she yelled with a sudden smile. "A gray hair!"
There, standing tall between her thumb and index finger, was a single white hair.
I reached up for my head as though expecting to find a gaping hole where the hair had come from.
"Is that mine?" I asked.
"Yes!" she said, almost too quickly.
I looked at her, down at the hair, and then back up again.
"Huh."
I went right back to rinsing my mouth out. I don't think this was quite the reaction Tricia was hoping for. However, she was content to have me finally come on board in the journey toward not only getting older but looking it as well.
I really don't mind. I'll take it as it comes. I imagine many men would hope to grow into a look of great wisdom. A distinguished older gentleman, perhaps. Not me, though. I hope that in my old age I come to look a lot like Andy Rooney: angry scowl, hairs sticking out from my nose and ears, and eyebrows covering the upper portion of my face like a wiry valance.
Then she'll rue the day she celebrated that first gray hair!
"Ha," she yelled with a sudden smile. "A gray hair!"
There, standing tall between her thumb and index finger, was a single white hair.
I reached up for my head as though expecting to find a gaping hole where the hair had come from.
"Is that mine?" I asked.
"Yes!" she said, almost too quickly.
I looked at her, down at the hair, and then back up again.
"Huh."
I went right back to rinsing my mouth out. I don't think this was quite the reaction Tricia was hoping for. However, she was content to have me finally come on board in the journey toward not only getting older but looking it as well.
Then she'll rue the day she celebrated that first gray hair!
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