A couple of months ago my friend Tim and I decided it might be fun to watch Friday the 13th. I should mention this is not the same Tim who writes such wonderfully reflective pieces on his blog about hope, kindness, and the human spirit. No, this is my other friend Tim who repeatedly buys liquor at the grocery store because he gets lured in by the pretty color only to remember, after taking one drink, he hates alcohol. I just thought I should make this distinction. In fairness to Tim O.
Anyway, what began as a joke soon turned into a scenario in which Tricia grabbed her blanket, stood up, and said "I'm going to bed!" It seems she does not find slasher movies funny. That's just as well because this meant neither Tim or I had to feel the least bit self-conscious for giggling endlessly or yelling at the screen "NO, DON'T GO CHECK THE CIRCUIT BREAKER!"
So now we're up to Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan. Yeah, I know - but we're no quitters! Not too long from now we'll be watching one in which Jason travels into space to attack unsuspecting teens on a space station. Wait...how did teens get on a space station? And how will they go skinny dipping?
One thing you'll notice when watching these movies is that people in slasher movies are just stupid. I cannot imagine how they manage each time to single themselves off from the group to be killed. Or how they remain completely unaware that their friends are being picked off one-by-one all around them. But they do.
So, should you ever find yourself trapped inside a slasher movie I 'm going to offer you twenty suggestions to help survive.
20. Make sure your car's engine is in good working order and has plenty of gas.
19. Never say, "I'll be right back."
18. Don't walk around naked. On a related note, don't skinny dip alone.
17. Do not take drugs.
16. DEFINITELY do not have sex.
15. Do not show up in the credits as "Second Deputy" or "Hitchhiker".
14. Pay attention to news reports about psychopathic killers on the loose.
13. Do not be in a wheelchair.
12. Do not be overweight.
11. Never go check what that noise was.
10. Do not build houses on ancient burial grounds.
9. If you are being chased by the killer, never stop to rest against a wall, door, or window thinking you've escaped.
8. If you come across your prankster buddy who seems to be lying dead in a pool of his own blood he is just trying to fool you. However, when this happens a second time turn and run. You're about to get axed.
7. Don't get a bunch of your friends together to stay in a cabin at a lake where other groups of people have been brutally murdered each and every summer the past six years.
6. If you find a good hiding spot, for God's sakes...stay there!
5. ALWAYS finish the job when given the chance. Do not assume the killer is dead.
4. Absolutely do not try to lift off the mask of the seemingly dead killer.
3. Do not be named Tina. According to some sources, Tinas statistically die more often in slasher movies.
2. Be a cute, virginal girl who does not drink, smoke, or do drugs. It would help if you have some sort of sad backstory. However, it would not be wise to show up in the sequel. If you do chances are you'll be dead within the first ten minutes.
1. And the best way to survive a slasher movie: be the killer. Even if you die you'll be magically resurrected in the next film.
Time well spent, my friends. Time well spent.
Your disclaimer is funny. This whole thing is a riot, but knowing you as the peacenik that you are makes the idea of sitting through so many slasher films with you seem hilarious. Your other friend Tim is a lucky guy to have had this many weird and spooky laughs with you.
ReplyDeleteI could totally see watching something like this (OK, maybe ONE of these films) with you in the style of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Joking, mocking, hooting, predicting, warning the characters aloud, critiquing, suggesting funny lines in place of the serious ones... You know, sophisticated humor.
On related note, I took Devin and his girlfriend Shae to see Django Unchained last night. Whew! Big mistake. Not just lots of ketchup but exploding heads, bodies riddled with bullets, torture, men being eaten alive by dogs, etc. Funny thing is, Colin almost had Heidi talked into seeing it before I got back from Maryland. Can you imagine that? She said that she thought it was a movie about slavery and that she might like to see it. She'd never heard of Quentin Tarantino. She wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes. That will more than likely be the last of my Tarantino films. It's like opera - I can appreciate that they exist and that some people can enjoy them, but nothing I can do in large doses (that is more than about 10 minutes). I am a wimp anymore.
The only way I could watch a scary movie would be Mystery Science Theater 3000 style. Actually speaking of MST 3000 that's how I enjoy watching lots of things, especially Downton Abbey. It is a series that I think you need to watch and make a list of suggestions for how to survive or at least gain some status in the grandmother's eyes...there are distinct patterns.
ReplyDeleteI laughed out loud at number 3. Tina, Tina, Tina...there's just something about that name.