Don't Look Back

 When I was little I used to love a television show called The Greatest American Hero. It was about this high school teacher named Ralph Hinkley (played by William Katt) who was out one night with his girlfriend Pam (Connie Selleca) when an alien ship suddenly swoops down out of the night sky and shoots a bright beam down onto their car. I don’t remember the exact details but basically he came away from this interaction with a bright red superhero suit that held many powers he could barely control or understand. I remember it as being molto cool with its shiny red boots, waist length black cape, and futuristic emblem emblazoned on the chest.

There was a third character, Bill Maxwell (played by Robert Culp), who was an FBI agent and was always needling Ralph to put on the suit and help him capture criminals. The problem was that Ralph was a bit timid around danger, afraid of heights, and too busy teaching. He was terrible at flying and was subjected to numerous crash landings each week. In the end he would always wind up helping Maxwell and the bad guys, of course, were always nabbed. They were the type of criminals who could never shoot straight and surrendered rather easily.

I loved this show. I loved it enough to let my mind wander and pretend that I had superhuman strength myself. I longed to fight crime. I even used to imagine how cool it would be if I were a teacher, just like Ralph, and let my kids call me Mr. H. Years later I got the Mr. H thing down but now instead of fighting crime I have settled for giving disapproving looks to people who throw their cigarette butts on the ground.

This past week I heard that The Greatest American Hero was on Netflix and that you could watch it on your computer without even having to get the DVD delivered to your house. I was pretty excited when the popular theme song rang out from my laptop…

Look at what's happened to me,
I can't believe it myself.
Suddenly I'm up on top of the world,
It should've been somebody else.

Believe it or not,
I'm walking on air.
I never thought I could feel so free-ee-ee.
Flying away on a wing and a prayer.
Who-o could it be?
Believe it or not it's just me.

But then I started noticing a few things. At first it was Ralph’s perm. His golden locks bounced everywhere when walked. And when he talked. And, really, when he breathed. Could a superhero really have such floppy hair?

The next thing I noticed was that he wasn’t all that believable as a teacher. None of the kids were learning anything. Instead, they were all just hanging out and talking. I recognized one of his students as Eddie from Eddie and the Cruisers which was pretty cool but seeing that he couldn’t act what-so-ever it left me wondering about the credibility of that movie too.

Soon, Agent Maxwell showed up and pulled Ralph away from his teaching duties to go to San Francisco to transport a key witness in an important mob case.

“We’ll put this scum bag away,” he promised.

My shoulders dropped. Did he really just say that? Scumbag? This was getting a little embarrassing. Soon Tricia walked in and started watching with me. I had already made such a big deal about how great this show was and now felt as though she would finally see me for the dork I am. But then she stayed and kept watching right alongside me. I’ve heard the best way to increase your chances of having a lasting relationship is to marry someone similar to yourself. This doesn’t bode well for her!

Soon Ralph left for San Francisco with Agent Maxwell. You might wonder what was to become of his teaching and his students. Luckily, it was all good because his girlfriend stayed behind to work with them on a Shakespeare play. She would just step right in and be the teacher.

Really?

The nail in the coffin was his superhero suit. The black cape with red piping suddenly looked awfully theatrical – more fitting for the Phantom of the Opera than a crime stopper. Worst than the cape, was the belt. I hadn’t remembered the belt at all. There, in the middle of this shiny red suit, was a dull gray belt. It looked as though it was made of felt.

Felt!

I’d like to say it got better from that point but it didn’t. The music was corny and the plotline was ridiculous. I’d also like to say I stopped watching but I didn’t. I’m no quitter.

This experience led me to wonder what other pieces of my past – things I once loved or even worshiped - would not stand up to the test of time.

I thought of making a list of them but soon found that this was kind of a depressing task. There were a lot of embarrassing skeletons in my closet.

Sometimes, though, you can’t keep that closet door shut. The kids recently found some old pictures of me. I was quickly reminded of half-shirts, mullets, and even denim shorts. You can get rid of old CDs that no longer fit your evolving tastes but pictures, they are forever.

I imagine the people, places, and experiences from our past are probably not as we remember them now. Our memories are skewed because they have been filtered by the eyes, mind, and heart of who we used to be. I, quite obviously, was a seven year old boy with terrible taste. Some things, I guess, we never outgrow.