Back Home

You can't go back home to your family, back home to your childhood, ... back home to a young man's dreams of glory and of fame ... back home to places in the country, back home to the old forms and systems of things which once seemed everlasting but which are changing all the time—back home to the escapes of Time and Memory.
- You Can't Go Home Again by Thomas Wolf

On our first trip back to St. Louis for Christmas, after having moved eight hundred miles away to South Carolina, it was comforting for Tricia and I to become reacquainted with well remembered roads and much loved landmarks. We had only been gone six months yet felt a strong sense of nostalgia for everything we saw. The Gateway Arch standing tall above the Mississippi River. The Hampton Avenue exit that led to our old home in Dogtown. The entrance to Forest Park where we spent such a significant part of each year walking, running, biking, or visiting the numerous museums and zoo.

I had never in my life loved the city more than that first time back. Everything was seen with clouded edges and rose colored glasses. And it was clear that despite half a year away this was still home. It was the home place to all our memories of growing up, getting married, and having children. It was where our friends were. Where we belonged.

That was three years ago. Since that time we have came back every June and December to visit family and friends. But while it's nice to catch up with some of the most important people in our lives and to see their faces and hear their voices again, the city looks a little different to me each time back. The memories are fading and the sense of belonging is slowly letting me go.

It's no longer my home.

The first few times back we tried to revisit the old places and relive the old memories. Some, like favorite restaurants, worked but most just felt empty and unfulfilling. In time, we learned to let go. It was no longer so important to see the old house or walk the old route through the neighborhood to the park. These were things to let go. Things to move past.

I sit here tonight knowing that we have four more days left of this year's Christmas visit. Already, I've seen my wife's family and two of the best friends that I'll ever have in my life. And I think to myself I'm ready to go home.

Home to South Carolina.

Because that is where all the new memories are being made. The memories of bringing Muluken home and teaching the kids to ride a two-wheeler and our first visit to the emergency room and summers spent at the pool. South Carolina is where we go hiking in the mountains and swimming at the beach. It's where I've found two things that I once thought I had lost forever - a school where I belong and new friends I love.

So maybe it's true - you can't go home again. But, then, maybe you can. It just depends on what you expect to find there.